Weight Loss

I need to lose weight.  I weigh almost 40 pounds over my old normal (which was still higher than what I'd like to be, but I'd love to be there right now).  And I weigh a few more pounds than I did when I was fully pregnant.  When I was growing another human.  Right now it's just all fat.

The problem is, I don't want to fall into old habits & do binges or purges or severe restricting.  I would love nothing more than to do it in a healthy, "normal" way.  But I don't know how.  It's all or nothing with me, I feel like.  I fail repeatedly at trying to just eat better foods & in smaller quantities when it is less healthy food.

I'm so uncomfortable is my current body.

Time Passes

I have not posted here in 2 & a half years.  I have no excuse as to why I have not.  Perhaps I've been busy gaining weight.  Yes, I think that's what it is.  I doubt I have any followers left, either they are no longer on here or they no longer follow me because, well, I've been gone/boring.

I need to lose weight.  I haven't quit wanting to do despite my absence from here.  I just can't get on track.  I want so much to do it the right way, by eating better & exercise.  But I feel like I'm always either in way too deep (restricting or purging) or eating away.  It's always: I'll start tomorrow/next week/month.  Or I'll start out food for a couple/few days & then it's a holiday & a break or whatever excuse I need to mess it all up & then I stay off track.

So I'm back.  Because I need somewhere to get my thought process out & I need help motivating myself to lose weight.  I don't care if it's slow, I hope that it's healthier than my past missions, but I have to do something.

October Goals

I'm setting some goals for October & I'm gonna publish them here!

As of this morning, I am starting October at 141.2 pounds, which is  definitely too heavy for my less than 5' stature.  Along with setting a goal weight for the end of the month, I am setting some other goals, some of which are related to health/fitness & should help in reaching that goal weight, as well as some other unrelated things.

1. Goal Weight by the end of the month: 130lbs.  This would be a loss of 11.2 pounds.  Very realistic (I feel).  Not overwhelming, but enough to make a difference & be reachable.
2. I would like to get in 75 miles on my elliptical.  This is just under 2.5 miles a day.  Which means I need to average that, so I am going to try to do at least 3 or more each day I do get on, that way if I miss any days, I have some "in the bank".  I am going to try to be sure I have 25 miles in every 10 days, as that will also help me figure out how much I have banked (or what my deficit is).
3. Eat less junk!
4. Eat less in general.  By this, I mean that I want to try to avoid boredom eating or "hey that looks/sounds yummy so I am gonna eat it" eating, etc.  I will try to eat so that I do not get hungry & to keep my metabolism going throughout the day.
5. Cut down on caffeine.  Right now, I have a physical addiction to caffeine.  I get headaches if I do not have caffeine every day.  Eventually I would like to not be addicted to it, but for this month, I am just going to start the process of cutting down/monitoring my caffeine intake.  I started this once before over the summer but gave up after a couple weeks.
6. Go for 2-3 walks a week outside.  No minimum distance, just getting outside to move around & get some fresh air.
7. Drink more water!  This should be easy, since I barely drink any.  It's not that I don't like it, I just don't drink a lot of it most of the time.  I don't like that it makes me pee a lot, but I can deal with that, lol.  I'm not setting any minimum/goal numbers or anything here.  I think I just want to start incorporating it into my diet more.
8. Get entire house straightened.  There are a few rooms where things aren't put away properly, etc.  Some areas I just want organized/set up differently.
9. Get large picture frame put up in living room.  At the end of last year or early this year, I bought a large picture frame that holds 20/24 4x6 pictures to put up in my living room.  I have printed some of the pictures I want to put in it, but as of yet, none are actually in the frame & the frame itself still sets in the office/storage room.
10. Get a couple loads of wood for wood stove & get it stacked.  I have already called once, waiting to get a call back to arrange delivery.  I mainly heat my house with the wood stove in the winter, because it would cost a whole lot to even keep it semi-sorta-warm in here with the gas furnace.  Plus stacking the wood is good exercise.

So those are my goals!  Anyone else set any for the month/week/whatever?

Insomtrip

I can't sleep.  I'm tired, but not enough to fall asleep.  I should be, I was up early-ish for work after fall asleep late & waking throughout the night & worked a 9-day.  And I have to be up, ready & out the my door by 6:15a, which is 6 hours from now.  Boo sauce.

I've always had sleep issues, well, at least as far as I can remember, dating back to high school at least.  I either can't fall asleep and/or I wake up a lot.  When I wake up throughout the night (for no real reason), sometimes I can fall right back asleep after a few minutes & other times I am awake for hours.  Usually, I fall asleep shortly after waking.

My mind runs too much.  I think that's what it is, or at least part of it.  Sometimes during the day, my mind skips around topics, doesn't want to focus.  I think at night, it's trying to catch up.  Or sometimes it gets stuck on one topic & won't let it rest long enough for me to fall asleep.

Tonight that topic has been weight.  I've gained so much.  I weigh within a few pounds (at most) of what I did when I was pregnant.  I gained a normal amount of weight when I was pregnant (about 30 pounds), but obviously I shouldn't have that weight now.  I lost it after my child was born.  It's all (the majority) come back in the last year or two.

I am at least 23 pounds over weight (according to BMI).  I am nearly 30 pounds more than my normal, pre-pregnancy & after weight.  I am around 35 pounds over the weight I was at when I moved 6 years ago.  I am more than 50 pounds heavier than I was my freshman year of high school (granted, that was many years ago & I was a few inches shorter).  I am at least 42 pounds from where I would like to be.

And while I hate hate hate where I am at now, there seems to be nothing I can do about.  Well, it's not that I can't, it's really that I won't.  I keep trying to do it the "proper" way, by eating better, less junk, less quantity.  But I do well for a few days & then I fall down.  And forget about moving more/exercise.  I have even less motivation for that (often because I feel lazy and/or am tired/sleepy).

I've considered doing it "my old-fashioned" way, with lots of restriction & such.  But I don't think that I can (& I know I shouldn't even try to get myself to walk down that dark path).

I'm disappointed in myself.  Disappointed that I let my weight get this high.  Disappointed that I let it stay so high.  Disappointed that I am unable to be motivated enough to do anything about it, to get it to go back down.

I'm not depressed.  While this a whiney post complaining about how fat I am/have become, it is just something that bothers me, not something that keeps in a foul mood constantly.  But it does bother me... A LOT and OFTEN.  That alone should be enough to do something about it.  I know in the past, I have tried & failed repeatedly & then at some point I finally get the motivation & am able to do it.  But it has been a long, long, long time since my weight was this high (pregnancy not counted, obviously).  Maybe that's why it's so hard, because the road seems so long.

I am going to list a few reason why I need to lose weight...

1. I am actually overweight.
2. Most of my clothes don't fit me.
3. I do not want to accept my body the way it is (at this time).
4. I am uncomfortable with my weight, mentally & physically.
5. I am more self-conscious about my weight than I should be.

I could go on and on and on (and on and on), I'm sure.  But 5 is a good number, & those reasons seem pretty solid & are a good summary.

Random: Crickets drive me nuts.  All day & night I hear them.  I will be glad when the cooler weather sends them away to Fairy-Cricket-Land.  I am sad to see summer leave.  I like fall (but I do not like what comes after it... cold, icky weather).  Can we just have snow for about a week around Christmas?

Hope anyone who is out there reading this is doing wonderfully!  I am going to go attempt the whole sleep thing again.  Crossing my fingers!

Temptation Tuesday 2

This week's theme... tempting vacations!  This pictures tempt me to jump right in, take off, head in, etc.

Any pretty beach will do.

J'habite a Paris!  Ok, not really.  But I wouldn't mind if I did, at least for a short time (like a vacation perhaps!).  I remember very, very, very, very, very little, next-to-none francais.

Start spreading the news, I'm leaving today... New York City!  I've actually been once, nearly a decade ago.  I want to go back so much.  There is lots more to see (& see again).  I want to go out to the Statue of Liberty (I went to Battery Park my last day there, didn't have the time & it was far too windy for my liking to take the boat out) & climb the Empire State Building, & plenty more.

Disney World!  I've actually been here as well, a few times, but the last time would have been prolly about a decade ago as well.  I have been to Magic Kingdom, Epcot, Animal Kingdom, & Hollywood Studios (when it was still called Disney-MGM Studios).  I know there is plenty more to see here too, especially in Magic Kingdom, & especially since they added onto Fantasyland.

Greece.  I've always loved Greece, at least since I chose it as the country to do my 6th grade social studies project on.  So beautiful & so much history.

Vegas, baby!  Never been.  Think it would be fun to go!

Hawaii!  I love beaches!  Obviously, lol.  Luau outs & beaches & pretty scenery, warm weather, oh yes please!