Weight Loss

I need to lose weight.  I weigh almost 40 pounds over my old normal (which was still higher than what I'd like to be, but I'd love to be there right now).  And I weigh a few more pounds than I did when I was fully pregnant.  When I was growing another human.  Right now it's just all fat.

The problem is, I don't want to fall into old habits & do binges or purges or severe restricting.  I would love nothing more than to do it in a healthy, "normal" way.  But I don't know how.  It's all or nothing with me, I feel like.  I fail repeatedly at trying to just eat better foods & in smaller quantities when it is less healthy food.

I'm so uncomfortable is my current body.

Time Passes

I have not posted here in 2 & a half years.  I have no excuse as to why I have not.  Perhaps I've been busy gaining weight.  Yes, I think that's what it is.  I doubt I have any followers left, either they are no longer on here or they no longer follow me because, well, I've been gone/boring.

I need to lose weight.  I haven't quit wanting to do despite my absence from here.  I just can't get on track.  I want so much to do it the right way, by eating better & exercise.  But I feel like I'm always either in way too deep (restricting or purging) or eating away.  It's always: I'll start tomorrow/next week/month.  Or I'll start out food for a couple/few days & then it's a holiday & a break or whatever excuse I need to mess it all up & then I stay off track.

So I'm back.  Because I need somewhere to get my thought process out & I need help motivating myself to lose weight.  I don't care if it's slow, I hope that it's healthier than my past missions, but I have to do something.

October Goals

I'm setting some goals for October & I'm gonna publish them here!

As of this morning, I am starting October at 141.2 pounds, which is  definitely too heavy for my less than 5' stature.  Along with setting a goal weight for the end of the month, I am setting some other goals, some of which are related to health/fitness & should help in reaching that goal weight, as well as some other unrelated things.

1. Goal Weight by the end of the month: 130lbs.  This would be a loss of 11.2 pounds.  Very realistic (I feel).  Not overwhelming, but enough to make a difference & be reachable.
2. I would like to get in 75 miles on my elliptical.  This is just under 2.5 miles a day.  Which means I need to average that, so I am going to try to do at least 3 or more each day I do get on, that way if I miss any days, I have some "in the bank".  I am going to try to be sure I have 25 miles in every 10 days, as that will also help me figure out how much I have banked (or what my deficit is).
3. Eat less junk!
4. Eat less in general.  By this, I mean that I want to try to avoid boredom eating or "hey that looks/sounds yummy so I am gonna eat it" eating, etc.  I will try to eat so that I do not get hungry & to keep my metabolism going throughout the day.
5. Cut down on caffeine.  Right now, I have a physical addiction to caffeine.  I get headaches if I do not have caffeine every day.  Eventually I would like to not be addicted to it, but for this month, I am just going to start the process of cutting down/monitoring my caffeine intake.  I started this once before over the summer but gave up after a couple weeks.
6. Go for 2-3 walks a week outside.  No minimum distance, just getting outside to move around & get some fresh air.
7. Drink more water!  This should be easy, since I barely drink any.  It's not that I don't like it, I just don't drink a lot of it most of the time.  I don't like that it makes me pee a lot, but I can deal with that, lol.  I'm not setting any minimum/goal numbers or anything here.  I think I just want to start incorporating it into my diet more.
8. Get entire house straightened.  There are a few rooms where things aren't put away properly, etc.  Some areas I just want organized/set up differently.
9. Get large picture frame put up in living room.  At the end of last year or early this year, I bought a large picture frame that holds 20/24 4x6 pictures to put up in my living room.  I have printed some of the pictures I want to put in it, but as of yet, none are actually in the frame & the frame itself still sets in the office/storage room.
10. Get a couple loads of wood for wood stove & get it stacked.  I have already called once, waiting to get a call back to arrange delivery.  I mainly heat my house with the wood stove in the winter, because it would cost a whole lot to even keep it semi-sorta-warm in here with the gas furnace.  Plus stacking the wood is good exercise.

So those are my goals!  Anyone else set any for the month/week/whatever?

Insomtrip

I can't sleep.  I'm tired, but not enough to fall asleep.  I should be, I was up early-ish for work after fall asleep late & waking throughout the night & worked a 9-day.  And I have to be up, ready & out the my door by 6:15a, which is 6 hours from now.  Boo sauce.

I've always had sleep issues, well, at least as far as I can remember, dating back to high school at least.  I either can't fall asleep and/or I wake up a lot.  When I wake up throughout the night (for no real reason), sometimes I can fall right back asleep after a few minutes & other times I am awake for hours.  Usually, I fall asleep shortly after waking.

My mind runs too much.  I think that's what it is, or at least part of it.  Sometimes during the day, my mind skips around topics, doesn't want to focus.  I think at night, it's trying to catch up.  Or sometimes it gets stuck on one topic & won't let it rest long enough for me to fall asleep.

Tonight that topic has been weight.  I've gained so much.  I weigh within a few pounds (at most) of what I did when I was pregnant.  I gained a normal amount of weight when I was pregnant (about 30 pounds), but obviously I shouldn't have that weight now.  I lost it after my child was born.  It's all (the majority) come back in the last year or two.

I am at least 23 pounds over weight (according to BMI).  I am nearly 30 pounds more than my normal, pre-pregnancy & after weight.  I am around 35 pounds over the weight I was at when I moved 6 years ago.  I am more than 50 pounds heavier than I was my freshman year of high school (granted, that was many years ago & I was a few inches shorter).  I am at least 42 pounds from where I would like to be.

And while I hate hate hate where I am at now, there seems to be nothing I can do about.  Well, it's not that I can't, it's really that I won't.  I keep trying to do it the "proper" way, by eating better, less junk, less quantity.  But I do well for a few days & then I fall down.  And forget about moving more/exercise.  I have even less motivation for that (often because I feel lazy and/or am tired/sleepy).

I've considered doing it "my old-fashioned" way, with lots of restriction & such.  But I don't think that I can (& I know I shouldn't even try to get myself to walk down that dark path).

I'm disappointed in myself.  Disappointed that I let my weight get this high.  Disappointed that I let it stay so high.  Disappointed that I am unable to be motivated enough to do anything about it, to get it to go back down.

I'm not depressed.  While this a whiney post complaining about how fat I am/have become, it is just something that bothers me, not something that keeps in a foul mood constantly.  But it does bother me... A LOT and OFTEN.  That alone should be enough to do something about it.  I know in the past, I have tried & failed repeatedly & then at some point I finally get the motivation & am able to do it.  But it has been a long, long, long time since my weight was this high (pregnancy not counted, obviously).  Maybe that's why it's so hard, because the road seems so long.

I am going to list a few reason why I need to lose weight...

1. I am actually overweight.
2. Most of my clothes don't fit me.
3. I do not want to accept my body the way it is (at this time).
4. I am uncomfortable with my weight, mentally & physically.
5. I am more self-conscious about my weight than I should be.

I could go on and on and on (and on and on), I'm sure.  But 5 is a good number, & those reasons seem pretty solid & are a good summary.

Random: Crickets drive me nuts.  All day & night I hear them.  I will be glad when the cooler weather sends them away to Fairy-Cricket-Land.  I am sad to see summer leave.  I like fall (but I do not like what comes after it... cold, icky weather).  Can we just have snow for about a week around Christmas?

Hope anyone who is out there reading this is doing wonderfully!  I am going to go attempt the whole sleep thing again.  Crossing my fingers!

Temptation Tuesday 2

This week's theme... tempting vacations!  This pictures tempt me to jump right in, take off, head in, etc.

Any pretty beach will do.

J'habite a Paris!  Ok, not really.  But I wouldn't mind if I did, at least for a short time (like a vacation perhaps!).  I remember very, very, very, very, very little, next-to-none francais.

Start spreading the news, I'm leaving today... New York City!  I've actually been once, nearly a decade ago.  I want to go back so much.  There is lots more to see (& see again).  I want to go out to the Statue of Liberty (I went to Battery Park my last day there, didn't have the time & it was far too windy for my liking to take the boat out) & climb the Empire State Building, & plenty more.

Disney World!  I've actually been here as well, a few times, but the last time would have been prolly about a decade ago as well.  I have been to Magic Kingdom, Epcot, Animal Kingdom, & Hollywood Studios (when it was still called Disney-MGM Studios).  I know there is plenty more to see here too, especially in Magic Kingdom, & especially since they added onto Fantasyland.

Greece.  I've always loved Greece, at least since I chose it as the country to do my 6th grade social studies project on.  So beautiful & so much history.

Vegas, baby!  Never been.  Think it would be fun to go!

Hawaii!  I love beaches!  Obviously, lol.  Luau outs & beaches & pretty scenery, warm weather, oh yes please!

Temptation Tuesday 1

Temptation Tuesday, a day to post tempting things.  I might not do this every week.  The category will change each time (though a category could be repeated, just with different "answers").

I thought for my very first Temptation Tuesday, I would post some pics of some tempting male celebs.  Here are a few of my faves (otherwise, I could go on for pages, lol), in no particular order.

 Adam Levine

Patrick Dempsey

Ian Harding

Jesse Williams

Ryan Gosling

Ryan Reynolds

Boo Blah

I feel... I don't know the word for it.  I'm not sick.  I feel blah, I guess.  Physically mostly.  I'm not depressed or in a bad mood or anything like that.  I just don't feel like doing much.  Like being lazy, except that physically I am actually a bit tired as well.  I shouldn't be, at least I shouldn't have been all day long.  I didn't work today, slept in until almost 7:30am (normal time for me to wake on days off, when I work, it's anywhere from an hour to 3 hours before that).  I laid down half asleep/resting for about 45 minutes this afternoon.  And I didn't do much of anything.

I'm sure it's partially because I don't eat better or drink enough water or sleep well at night (I wake up often throughout the night, sometimes have issues getting to sleep as well).  And I'm sure the extra weight doesn't help either.

I wish I could steal energy from my child.  He has so much of it, surely he doesn't need it all.  And I could get oh so much done!  That would be glorious.

I need to get off the couch soon, so I can move a load of laundry from the washer to the dryer & start another load with my work clothes into the washer.

What an exciting blog post this isn't, lol.

Sympa-thee

After work today, I had to pick up my son from his grandparents' house.  Among the chit chat, his grandma mentioned how she had recently gone clothes shopping for an event she has coming up.  It disappointed her that she not only had a hard time finding something she liked, but finding something that fit/looked the way she wanted it too.  She resolved that she needs to lose weight (not that she's obese or anything though, not at all).

I hear that, feel that pain, etc.  It's why I next to never buy clothes these days.  Most of what I have doesn't fit anymore or looks horrible or I feel icky in it or a combination of the aforementioned.  I don't buy new things because I feel like that is accepting it more than I already have.  I did buy some work pants from Goodwill so that I would have more than 1 pair that I could still wear to work.

I have got to find that motivation, it's somewhere in me.  I know it is.  It's come out before.  And I've felt in moments, for a day or so.  It just doesn't seem to stick.

Back In

I have internet at home again! It's been like 2 years. Since then, I've had to rely on my phone & 'borrowing' internet at other places. I hope to stick with blogging, should be easier now that I can do it from home, any day.

 I'm in horrible shape. Literally, lol. I weighed in this morning at 140 pounds. Which a lot on my not even 5 foot frame. This isn't a surprise to me; because although I have not been around the blogosphere so much, I have most definitely been around/on my scale.

 I'd like to lose weight, I'd like to do it as normally as possible. Eating better. More quality food, less quantity (at least of junky food). More movement. I'd like to steer away from severe restriction and/or purging. We shall see. I have weight goals set, but there are not dates for any of them. I would like to look at them like stepping stones that I am allowed to take my time with.

I am going to go weed thru my blog list.  Delete any that don't exist any longer, who haven't posted in some time, or those I don't have permission to view, etc.  I currently have 139, I expect I will have a great deal less by the time I am done since I haven't been around in so long, & I imagine many have gone or been gone, etc.

Is anyone still around that has me on their list? lol. Hope all is well!

EDIT: I finished the deletion round.  Down to 20 blogs. So many were just nonexistent.  I kept pretty much anyone who had posted in 2013.  Gone away with 119 blogs, wowsa.

Saturnail

I haven't posted in over a month. But I suppose that's not nearly as bad as some of the lengths between posts. I got a new computer the other day, yay! My previous one was kind of slow & couldn't be used without being plugged in really. I have a borrowed one, but that can't be used unplugged at all. I have been wanting a new laptop for quite a while & have been saving for a little more than a year. Now if I could just get internet at home... Nothing new to report on the weight front. I am wavering between the same few pounds, just under 140. Which might not sound horrible, except that I am so short. So I either need to lose weight or grow taller, lol. I am pretty sure the latter is not going to happen. I requested a few days off from work the first week of April, during my lil one's spring break. We are hoping to head a couple of hours away from us, which obviously won't be an extravagant vacation, but it will be a nice break from work & a chance to get away at least. I hope everyone is doing well. I also hope to have more to report soon. I would really like that report to be that I am losing weight & doing so in a healthy way. I tend to be unhealthy, either eating too much in general, eating to much junky food, or not eating enough. Ciao!

Sprak

I was down to about 134.7 yesterday, but this morning I was up to 136. I blame potatoes, lol. They tempted me into eating more of them. Damn it. I hate carbs in that I love them.

I was so happy to see replies to my post after being away so long. Thank you Tracy & Lu!

I am typing this blog post in Word, than transferring it to notepad on my computer, then I am going to transfer to my phone to copy it. I think this will make it a little easier to post.

I took the day off work. My son's school was cancelled because the back roads were bad (& some side roads in town), so I decided to take the day off also. I will just use some of my eto to make up for it financially. I usually just use eto & vacation time in addition to working instead of taking time off. I think I am going to use some of my vacation time during my spring break to take a trip somewhere. Not sure where yet. I thought about possibly taking my son to see the ocean (east coast), which would be about a half day road trip, depending on where we go. I also thought about going to Washington DC to see some sights (maybe in addition to the ocean), as I've been around the outskirts but never actually there & think it would be interesting. Any suggestions?

I don't have much else to say really, I just felt like posting again.

Sevmons

Wow, can't believe it has been almost 7 months since I last posted. That makes me a little sad. I would prolly post more if I had internet access at home, other than on my phone (which is what I am on now, so please excuse the typos and/or autocorrect mistakes). I wish I could say I have been super focused on being healthy or losing weight but considering I have done nothing but mainly gain weight from eating in excess and junk, that's sadly not the case. As of this morning I am at 135, which is my low for 2013 and in the normal range I have been at the last couple months. My normal weight before I had my son in 2005 was 114 and normal when I moved to this part of the state in July 2007 was 107. I am the highest I have been since starting this blog, though not the highest of my life (I don't think anyways, didn't have a scale for years). So... it looks like.I have got some work ahead of me!

If anyone needs a text email buddy, feel free to contact me...
(989) 372-0146 OR emryelle@gmail.com

Sachurda

When I started this blog approximately 2 years & 1.5 months ago, I was at a horrible (to/for me) weight, 120ish. Afterwards, I lost some of that weight & yo-yo'd, etc. I hate to say that I am now 10 pounds heavier than where I started. It's not my heaviest ever (although it is my heaviest known since I lost pregnancy weight & even a little while before pregnancy, because I don't count my pregnancy weigh ins at the doctors).

If I could make a super sad face emoticon I so would. But instead... :( :( :(

I have no motivation, even though I am totally uncomfortable at this weight & have been wanting it to go back down & even when it has budged a little it goes back up & then some. For the longest while I was maintaining a couple pounds lighter than I am now.

I am hoping July is a good month for me. I would love more than anything to finally find motivation & lose weight. I would super love if I were able to do that without any severe restricting, fasts, or binging/purging. In other words, healthily.

So we will see how it goes. I know it is unlikely I will do it completely healthy whenever the motivation does come (I have faith that it will at some point, I just wish I would reach that point sooner rather than later), & while they may be horrible to know/say, I am hoping by acknowledging it that it will happen less frequently.

On a brighter note, it looks like I will be going full time at my current work place. I covered a maternity leave at the end of last year, which I may or may not have mentioned, & that very position is most likely opening up at the end of July & if it does, it is meant to be mine! So I will get to work more which will hopefully mean more distraction & more money. Which is also good because I am going to have to start paying on the student loans I have been deferring, which I am hoping I can get cut down based on how little I will be making. I am also going to look into getting internet at home again if I get to go full time so I can be online for various reasons (including Blogger). I still get on Blogger a lot to read (through mobile Google Reader), but it's hard to leave comments. So I still read, I just don't really get to post or leave comments. Or do Foto Fridays. :/

Anyways, that's my lil diddy for my periodically rarely posted posts for now. I hope you are all doing wonderfully! I think I am going to start using Twitter again, so if anyone else is there, add me (emryelle) & we can chat or whatever there. Even if you need to vent about ed stuff or life in general or just to say hi. I am going to go delete everyone I think on Twitter & start over, as I don't think a lot of them prolly are even around since most seemed to vacate before I quit checking it out, lol. Anyways, have a great July! Hopefully 'talk' to ya soon! :)

Whiney Wah

Who has some extra motivation they can share with me? I really, really, really need some. Please? Pretty please? I'd love you foreva!

My weight has been creeping up over the last however many (too many) months. Slow, steadily, & speedily at times. Ugh. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to get myself on track. Sadly, there have been too many times that I gave up, gave in, and/or said screw it.

My clothes are horrible. Most are not-nice looking, more so than before. I barely have any pants I can wear, especially for work. It sucks. But it's my fault.

I am by no means depressed. Side note: if I were, it's likely weight loss would be easier since I am more likely to restrict, have no appetite, etc when I am stressed/depressed. Not that I want to feel that way just so I can ensure weightloss, so not worth it. I'm not depressed. I am disappointed in myself, that I let it get this bad & that I am not doing anything to change it. I am frustrated that I lack motivation.

Let's talk some numbers. As of this morning, I was at about 126.7 lb. Which wouldn't be bad, except I am under 5' tall & it puts my BMI at about 26.5, which is classified as overweight. To be at the high end of normal, I need to lose around 7.5lbs. To be at a weight I feel mostly 'comfortable' at, I need to lose about 20lbs. My goal is somewhere in the 90s though (will see when it gets near).

So I am visiting my blog to post a whiney/complain-filled entry. Because I can't/won't talk about it in the 'real world' & I know so many of you can/do understand what I am going through. I love you all. I still read blogs even when I don't post. But since I do so from my phone, it is hard to comment. I really need to look into the possibility of getting some internet up in hurrrr.

Hope ya'll are having a fabulous week/weekend ahead! :)

Fat Tuesday

It is Fat Tuesday! Packzi day! A day for 'binging', eating junk upon junk before Lent.

Okay, so I will be doing my best not to partake in Fat Tuesday (not that I usually do necessarily) & I don't really participate in Lent either. As of this morning, I am at this year's highest weight (that I know of, since I try not to weigh in every day & have long stretches without weighing in). So Fat Tuesday is yet another start to trying to do better, hopefully this attempt sticks. And I would like to give up being in the overweight range for Lent (lol, wouldn't we all like to just decide to lose weight & it happens though!). I would like to reach the average range before Lent has finished though. I would like to do so by my birthday. That gives me 3 weeks to lose 7 pounds, which is doable if I can get & stay on track.

For now, my plan is to eat less (especially less junk) than I have been & to move. I would like to do at least 2 miles on the elliptical plus some outdoor walks. These are small, simple goals. Which hopefully will make them easier to follow through with.

I am working less so I have lots of free time (which is both good & bad when it comes to weight related stuff). I wish I was working more so I would be moving more, less time to eat, & making da money. Hopefully I will start getting more hours. Next week I have less than this one though. I need a new job. I would prefer to have one that was degree-related but I would take one that just gave me more hours (or more money in some way, lol).

I hope you are all doing fabulous!

Netpinner

Peri: Pinterest is a website where people "pin" (basically bookmark/save) things they like. It reminds me of weheartit.com if you have ever checked that out, except you can post pictures, videos, webpages, etc. You can see what other people are "pinning" or "pin" stuff yourself. It has everything on there, from hair styles, home decor ideas, diy, crafts, recipes, home tips... & so on. It can be very addictive, lol. Since I don't have internet at home, I mostly browse the mobile version on my phone & I still look through quite a bit when I get on there & repin.

Mich: I hated that I had to be on a waiting list too & because of that I wasn't going to sign up. But then I got looking around & decided I might as well because I was already interested in looking around so much, lol.

So, it's tax time! I love tax time because I always get a refund. And I think with part of it I am going to pay off the loan I took out to buy a car this past summer. Between freeing up that small chunk of change every month & putting aside another part of the refund, I am thinking I might be able to get internet at home again. Which I so hope works out, because browsing the web on my phone isn't always greatly satisfying, lol. Plus, I would be able to get on here more, comment on all of your lovely blogs (doesn't work well from phone most of the time) & so on.

I hope you are all having a splendid week! :)

Pinring

Hello Blogger world! Hope you are all doing swell!

My son had his first snow day Monday (other schools around the state have had a few already, but his rarely closes). Not because we got an obscene amount of snow either. Because we had thunderstorms/rain the night before. In late January. Thats not normal weather here, lol. But the whole winter has been odd anyways. Which I am not huge on the whole cold & cruddy roads, so that's fine with me. 2 more months of official (calendar) winter! I adore spring! So glad it's not too far off, as Peri mentioned.

I don't like seeing the winter stuff break out (shovels, sidewalk salt, etc) early but I have no problem seeing the beach towels, gardening tools, & lawn stuff come out because it's a reminder that spring will come eventually.

Of course, seeing bathing suits & other such cute but skimpier (compared to winter) clothing is also a reminder that there is weight to be lost, which is both good & bad.

Has anyone wandered around Pinterest? Oh my gosh, it's so great for so many things! But addictive. And possibly distracting & motivating in so many ways, not just weight/eating wise, but others.

I hope you all had an awesome start to the week & it continues that way! :)

Friold

First of all, thank you to Liz, Peri, & Tracy for your comments (from November & earlier this month.

I wish I were able to do a Foto Friday! Oh how I miss doing those. Hopefully soon I will figure a way on the phone that will be easiest. At least I was able to fanagle links in above for the lovely ladies!

Last week I almost hit my year's high again. But somehow managed to get down a bit before I went farther up. As of this morning, I was at 122.8 which is down overall, but still higher than my year's lowest, not where I want to be, & not close enough to my (first or final) goal.

It is about to turn to midnight. I have to be awake at 5:30am so that I can be to work at 7am. Gotta have time to quickly get ready & de-snow my car & the 5 feet in front of my door to it. Thank goodness I pushed myself to get gas tonight after work so I don't have to do that as well.

According to the weather app on my phone, it is a whopping 9 degrees (F). Winter didn't come for a long time here, first 'real' (& lasting) snow was a week ago. I don't hate winter, or even snow. I hate nasty roads & cold-cold temps. The roads have been nasty a couple times & now it's too cold. Thankfully this cold-cold junk isn't meant to last & it will just be cold soon.

Endat

I just want to eat & eat right now! And not because I am physically hungry either.

I was up .2 this morning from yesterday. Honestly I thought it would be more. Yesterday was a new low for the year though.

I need to find a real job. By real, I mean one that pays decently. And perhaps related to my degree (that would be nice).Currently, I make little more than minimum wage & only work part-time. It is one of my 2012 goals, to better my financial situation.

I think soon I might do a post on my goals for the year. I dont actually have them written out anywhere yet, so that'd be good.

I got a new phone Monday, which makes it easier for me to post & check in. Hopefully it will be easier to leave comments too, I haven't gotten to check that yet.

I am sleepy. I couldn't fall asleep last night for a loonngg time & then didn't sleep in. But I did get quite a bit done around the house (cleaning & reorganizing). Still more to do, but today took some chunk out.

Hope you are all having an amazing year so far! :)

Motilan

Once again, it's been far too long.

I started the year at 124.8lb (Jan 2nd, didn't weigh on the first). My low for the year thus far was 122.8 & as of Tuesday morning I was 123. So I did have some gain, but overall at a loss, though I wish more. I plan on weighing myself in the morning since I did not this morning.

I still need do more work on my eating habits (eating better choices, less often) & add in some exercise. Something because I am tired of feeling & being fat (I am at an overweight BMI) but lacking the motivation to do more about it. My first goal (119) will put me at the high end limit for an average BMI.

Heart you all! :)