Directional

A warning: this post may be a little sad/depressive.  Kinda in that kind of mood right now.  But I am okay, just sleep deprived & letting my brain wander in the wrong direction of pessimism & self-doubt.

I've been technically unemployed for about 3 years now.  I left my last job when I moved to transfer schools.  I didn't work while I finished up my last 2 years of school (didn't have much time since I was a full time student & a single momma, & it's kinda hard to find/afford day care to do both anyways).  I graduated last spring & have been looking for a job since (field related or not).  I want to go to grad school eventually, but I need a break, I was about sick of school by the time I graduated.  I love school (the learning part), it's the homework & studying that tires me.  Plus I have no idea what I really want to go to grad school for.  I'm not too concerned about taking time off & ending up not going.  I took three years off after high school before I started college (the whole being sick of school thing then, in fact I was skipping a lot my last h.s. semester because I was bored, didn't need any of the classes or credit to graduate anyways).

I can't remember the last time I really knew what I want to do with my life, career wise.  I had lots of ideas when I was little, it changed a lot.  Nurse, teacher, lawyer, professional cheerleader, mother, & a few more I'm prolly forgetting.  Through most of high school I wanted to major in theater & minor in dance.  Strange, considering I have never really ever taken any dance classes & the only theater stuff I had done were a few school plays.  But by senior year, I decided I wanted to major in psychology since it was the only class I had ever taken that I liked enough to be interested in further learning (I never picked a minor really, but since I already had nearly enough sociology credits for it, it was convenient).

I don't think I want to go into counseling of any kind.  I maybe would do social work type stuff, which seems to be the closest to a decision.  Research type stuff wouldn't be bad.

Right now, I would just love to be working, period, even in some basic type job as a cashier at a gas station or something, which has nothing to do with my degree.  Yes, it would be absolutely wonderful to find a job that was related, but it is difficult since many jobs in the field want a Masters or the ones that don't want experience, which I have none of (in that area).

I can't stand being broke all of the time.  It means I don't get to see my friends & family much at all (they mostly live 2 hours away, a few are farther & some are out of state).  I don't get to go out & do much (which is also partially because I don't know anyone around here really).  I also super hate being bored now that I am not in school or working.

And on top of that, I have weight to lose.  Of course.  And I'm slacking on doing much about that lately.  I suck, lol.

Now, despite all this boohoo speak, I know things could be worse.  I know that I am blessed in a lot of other areas & my life isn't all that bad, there are just a few areas that need some work.

I hope you all had a lovely weekend & are all set for the week ahead!  Hope you are all reaching goals & making plans (rather they be to lose or to be healthier or even non-weight related)!  I love you for coming here & reading my babbling, it's so nice to have somewhere to do that.  <3

Foto Friday 12

I don't really have any pictures to share this week, only 1 or 2, so I decided I would save them for another time. Instead, this week, I am going to post some pictures that I 'hearted' over on WeHeartIt.  The last couple nights I have been browsing through pages of pictures over there when I am bored.  So I am just going to randomly pick some of the pictures I marked there.  I take no credit for any of these since I didn't take them myself & I found them on the website.

Old Letter

I recently typed up a few things that I found from years ago.   I thought I would share a bit of it.  This is a letter I apparently wrote to myself.  I'm not sure when it was wrote, but there was a date on one of the other papers with it from 2003, so it might have been around that time.

Do you always want to look the way you do know?  Perhaps you enjoy feeling fat or ugly.  Maybe you like that feeling dragging you down, back towards the days of depression.  And maybe you honestly do want to go back to them.  It is possible you find fun in wondering what it would be like to be happy instead of actually being happy.

Wouldn’t you like to be able to throw on some clothes & not have to change because they make you look or feel fat?

Jealousy is a normal feeling.  But it can’t possibly be much fun to be jealous of anyone who is thinner.  Or to feel that other people are more attractive just because they are thinner.  You may like constantly wondering if people think you are fat.

You don’t want this.  You want to shed the outer you & become anew.  You don’t like how you look, nor how you feel about that.  You don’t want to feel fat or regress to the days of depression.  You hate having to change clothes or not wearing something because of how you feel in them.  You don’t want constant feelings of jealousy or unattractiveness.  You don’t want to be picked on or wonder what others think.

So, with that said, here is some advice: Do something about it!  Change…

Foto Friday 11

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I love my followers/readers!

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This yogurt was such a pretty red-pink color, but it was hard to get it to photograph well.  Tastes yummy too!  I also really liked the strawberry shortcake flavor, it was my fave of the few I had this past week.

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Chicken fried rice.  This box has 2 1cup servings worth (the bowl has one).  Only 190 cals/serving & only 30 are from fat.  I love it & one serving fills me up nicely (without making me feel full-full).

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The picture from my Jones Cream Soda.  My fortune inside the cap was "Time is the wisest counselor".

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Soup I found in the cupboard while babysitting.  I didn't eat any because I don't like some of the stuff in it, but it only has 50 calories a serving, & 100 total per can.

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Apparently you can buy laxatives at the dollar store!  I didn't buy any but it says on the box that these have the same ingredients as Dulcolax.

Bluhorrib

Today went rather badly.  I mentioned breakfast in my last post (bottle of frapp & pretzel m&m's).  I ate lunch as planned (a burger, a small smattering of baked beans, a few baby carrots, & some chips, washed down with rootbeer).  And it might have been alright if I had just stopped there like I shoulda.

But I didn't.  I came home & had an ice cream cone.  Then more pretzel m&m's.  I wanted to stop.  But then decided I craved already-popped popcorn so I went to a gas station & got some (at least it wasn't movie theater popcorn covered w/ that liquid fat-filled (but oh so yummy) butter) & a Jones cream soda.  And I weighed myself a while after that.  Up 2 pounds from this morning.  Then I had a s'more (which wouldn't be awful @ 135 calories, if it weren't in addition to everything else).  I super hope at least some of that comes off or I am going to be all the way back up to the last goal I passed (the last one I didn't have to reset).

I wish I could say I'll do better, but apparently it's not in my system to do so, instead I want to & fail myself & feel guilty & mad at myself.  However, I know it will come back & although I can't tell when, I hope it's soon.  The tentative hope (I say hope instead of plan, because well, it seems as though 'plan' is more likely to set up for disappointment & hope is so, well, hopeful, lol) for tomorrow is to have a bottle of frapp for breakfast again & then water the rest of the day & perhaps some leftover flat Coke Zero if I want.  Food-wise, I am hoping to stick to yogurt, celery, cucumber, & bagged salad (thank goodness I don't have to resist dressing as I don't like the stuff).  All stuff that I already have from shopping a few days ago & should eat anyways so it doesn't go bad.  And I hope to do some sort of exercise as well, as little or as much as I can force out.

I also decided to check out Wintergirls online.  I thought I would read a few pages to see if I would like it & halfway through page 29 I finally made myself stop to come write this & hopefully save some for later.  So I guess that means that I do like, lol.

I love you all & your comments & reading your blogs.  Rather I am having a good day or bad day in regards to my relationship with food/eating/weight/etc I enjoy so much coming to this community (blogger & Twitter) & being a part of it, all of us sharing our ups & downs & being able to relate.  And I can't believe how many followers I have!  I thought it was so awesome when I got my first few followers & then hit 10 & then more & more, it's incredible & I <3 you all so much for following me, reading my posts, & commenting.  It really does mean so much to me that I have a place where I can say anything I want & although a lot of it (in relation to my effed up relationship/mentatlity with eating/weight) is acknowledgedly abnormal (compared to mainstream society), there are people out there who understand so well.

Anyways, that's all for now I suppose before I ramble on more.  Hope you all had a fantastic weekend & have a wonderful week ahead! :) <3