Monday, September 9, 2013


I can't sleep.  I'm tired, but not enough to fall asleep.  I should be, I was up early-ish for work after fall asleep late & waking throughout the night & worked a 9-day.  And I have to be up, ready & out the my door by 6:15a, which is 6 hours from now.  Boo sauce.

I've always had sleep issues, well, at least as far as I can remember, dating back to high school at least.  I either can't fall asleep and/or I wake up a lot.  When I wake up throughout the night (for no real reason), sometimes I can fall right back asleep after a few minutes & other times I am awake for hours.  Usually, I fall asleep shortly after waking.

My mind runs too much.  I think that's what it is, or at least part of it.  Sometimes during the day, my mind skips around topics, doesn't want to focus.  I think at night, it's trying to catch up.  Or sometimes it gets stuck on one topic & won't let it rest long enough for me to fall asleep.

Tonight that topic has been weight.  I've gained so much.  I weigh within a few pounds (at most) of what I did when I was pregnant.  I gained a normal amount of weight when I was pregnant (about 30 pounds), but obviously I shouldn't have that weight now.  I lost it after my child was born.  It's all (the majority) come back in the last year or two.

I am at least 23 pounds over weight (according to BMI).  I am nearly 30 pounds more than my normal, pre-pregnancy & after weight.  I am around 35 pounds over the weight I was at when I moved 6 years ago.  I am more than 50 pounds heavier than I was my freshman year of high school (granted, that was many years ago & I was a few inches shorter).  I am at least 42 pounds from where I would like to be.

And while I hate hate hate where I am at now, there seems to be nothing I can do about.  Well, it's not that I can't, it's really that I won't.  I keep trying to do it the "proper" way, by eating better, less junk, less quantity.  But I do well for a few days & then I fall down.  And forget about moving more/exercise.  I have even less motivation for that (often because I feel lazy and/or am tired/sleepy).

I've considered doing it "my old-fashioned" way, with lots of restriction & such.  But I don't think that I can (& I know I shouldn't even try to get myself to walk down that dark path).

I'm disappointed in myself.  Disappointed that I let my weight get this high.  Disappointed that I let it stay so high.  Disappointed that I am unable to be motivated enough to do anything about it, to get it to go back down.

I'm not depressed.  While this a whiney post complaining about how fat I am/have become, it is just something that bothers me, not something that keeps in a foul mood constantly.  But it does bother me... A LOT and OFTEN.  That alone should be enough to do something about it.  I know in the past, I have tried & failed repeatedly & then at some point I finally get the motivation & am able to do it.  But it has been a long, long, long time since my weight was this high (pregnancy not counted, obviously).  Maybe that's why it's so hard, because the road seems so long.

I am going to list a few reason why I need to lose weight...

  1. I am actually overweight.
  2. Most of my clothes don't fit me.
  3. I do not want to accept my body the way it is (at this time).
  4. I am uncomfortable with my weight, mentally & physically.
  5. I am more self-conscious about my weight than I should be.
I could go on and on and on (and on and on), I'm sure.  But 5 is a good number, & those reasons seem pretty solid & are a good summary.

Random: Crickets drive me nuts.  All day & night I hear them.  I will be glad when the cooler weather sends them away to Fairy-Cricket-Land.  I am sad to see summer leave.  I like fall (but I do not like what comes after it... cold, icky weather).  Can we just have snow for about a week around Christmas?

Hope anyone who is out there reading this is doing wonderfully!  I am going to go attempt the whole sleep thing again.  Crossing my fingers!