Monday, May 31, 2010


Ugh. I feel so stuffed. I don't think it is just my stomach though. Because I did sorta binge earlier (like 5-6 hours ago) on some gummy bears, (pre-made) ice cream cone & peanut butter twix. But in the last like 3 hours I had about 28oz. of wine & then I started feeling really full. A few minutes ago I peed, which seemed to help, thankfully. So here's to hoping more urine wants to be released!

So glad the long weekend is about over. Since I am unemployed, it isn't extra days off for me. Instead, it's more food temptation with cookouts & such. Saturday I did fairly alright. I didn't work out at all, other than causal paddling while going down a river by canoe. Today woulda been okay had I not indulged in mini chocolate donuts & pb twix for lunch, steak & a couple small brownies with small corn on the cob & a Coke for dinner, & then the late evening binge. Okay, so there was no way today was going to be okay, obviously. I didn't eat breakfast. Usually I try to in order to 'wake' my metabolism up, but once I got outta bed & finished catching up on reading blogs, I decided to go ahead & run on the elliptical (4 miles). Then it was lunch time.

So, I did meet my exercise goal for the week. At least 3 miles every day except one (Saturday). And calorie wise was mostly good other than today. I think for the upcoming week (as I start mine on Mondays), I will set none other than to keep the same elliptical goal (3 miles/day 6 days, minimum). I'm setting no calorie range because there are days I feel like I want to eat less than my lower limit. So I'm throwing that out the window. Instead I'm hoping for 1000ish max, with no minimum.

I'm still thinking a new scale is in order. Saturday it stayed consistent for the morning weigh in but Sunday was back to being erratic-like with similar weights & a couple left fielders. Screw that. :/

I hope you are all doing well in whatever goals you have! Glad to see more comments & new followers (as well as having new blogs to read myself)! I love you all for stopping by & for sharing some of your life with me!

Friday, May 28, 2010


My scale is my frenemy. Sometimes I love it, sometimes I hate it. Sure, what it says to me it nearly always because of what I did (or did not). But I still place some of the anger towards it. Or occasionally, some joy when it's gone down (though never far enough).

My frenemy can 'say' something & it will make me feel so accomplished & happy. Or it can make me feel like a failure & make me question myself. I love it & hate it, sometimes all in one day. I go to it more often than I should & use it repeatedly. It never seems to mind, probably used to it by now & glad to be out of the cupboard.

This is exactly what my scale looks like, except the display. Mainly, the readout isn't as clear. It used to be to where it might make it hard to differentiate what it was saying, but it magically got slightly better to where some segments are dimmed instead of missing altogether.

I was going to get a new one before it started getting better. And then I decided to wait. And now I am going to start looking at my options. I discovered something yesterday. My frenemy can't decide what to say to me. If I step on, I get one weight. But then if I tap it (to turn it on) & either 'error' it by stepping on too soon or just let it shut off, then tap it on & weigh again (& repeat, repeat, repeat...), I get varying numbers. Most of the numbers are within a small range, but sometimes they are quite a bit different (either up or down).

I always knew that trusting my frenemy wasn't a great idea. Because it doesn't take into consideration that I might still have liquid or solids inside me or that I might be retaining water or that while I may have lost fat, I gained muscle. But now I know I can trust it even less.

I think it is time to let my frenemy go & find a replacement. A younger, more confident (in what it reads) one. If anyone has suggestions, feel free to let me know about any models/brands/etc. I need one that is on the cheap side, but it reliable. If I can find it on amazon that would be great, otherwise in store might have to do. Thanks!

P.S. I realize speaking of a scale this way might make me seem a little loopy in the head, but something tells me a lot of you will understand this relationship with it, lol.

Thursday, May 27, 2010


So, yeah, I was craving some damn breadsticks & so that's what I had for dinner. 3 of them. Which is only 450 calories (which is a lot but up to that point I had only had 250 for the day). At least they were from the freezer & not a restaurant or something, cause those tend to be much worse. They aren't even high in fat (but carbs, yes, lol). I think the damn things screwed me.

I didn't workout at all in the morning or afternoon. After dinner time though I did 10 miles on the elliptical. But even a couple hours later I was up at least a pound & a half. Which is a lot really to be up at the end of the day & gives me a strong suspicion that I will likely be up on the scale in the morning. :( After finding this out, I took a Stacker 3, which I had leftover from long ago when I used to take them with every meal. I don't know how effective they are but it seemed like they helped to some extent but perhaps it was some sort of placebo effect or all in my head. I still have four more. I knew it was a dumbass idea to take one, because it was early nighttime & it likely meant sleep would be delayed. But that often happens to me anyways, so might as well try to get some benefit from it.

Not sure if it is helping burn anything off though. Also, I drank like 40 oz. of water while I was on the elliptical & I haven't peed much. Normally I urinate constantly when I drink water (one reason I hate to drink it much). But that seems to be the case lately with the water I drink while working out so I don't think that's the problem.

Despite the big carb dinner, & a tiny snack after (to take the pill with) & another small snack to up my total calorie count (none of which made my scale go higher), I am still 20 cals short of the lower limit of my goal range. I'm letting it slide for today, it's minor. And hoping that against the odds, there will be some loss tomorrow, or at the very least, no change (& hell to the no on a gain). Oh, & get this, my stupid stomach thinks it's hungry. Too damn bad, it will have to wait until breakfast. I've already been ignoring it for a couple hours & I'm not at all worried that I will give in to it before then. Hopefully it will make my body burn up storage (aka nasty fat).

So, a question for the readers (whom I adore ;) ). Have you tried any energy and/or diet pills? What were they supposed to do? What did they actually do? Any other comments on them? I would greatly appreciate some feedback on this. Thanks, you rock!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010


Yesterday went well. I hit my calorie range. I ran 6.5 miles on the elliptical in the morning & another 5 miles in the evening. I did a tad bit of toning exercises for arms & abs. This morning I had lost almost a pound. Hoping it sticks. I guess I am always a little leery of bigger losses, just because it seems so different from the tiny or lack of loss ones. Even though I make sure I get the same number 4 (sometimes 5) times in a row before I count it.

I'm including the links for the YouTube videos I got the toning exercises from. I just found the arm one randomly, then checked out the ab one too. There are more in the series, but I haven't checked them out yet. I usually go thru them at least twice (like last night I went thru all of the arm ones then all the abs, then all arms & all abs again). And I just add a couple reps if I feel like I can.

I'm enjoying keeping up with everyone's blogs! And I love when I find I have a new follower or a new comment! I hope everyone is having a fantastic day & week!

Monday, May 24, 2010

Humid Hot

I didn't do fantastic food wise yesterday, but pretty alright. I had a family hang out thing in the afternoon. Beforehand, I did 5 miles on the elliptical & then a half hour later another 1.6 before I absolutely had to get ready to go.

Elliptical: 6.6 miles total
Breakfast: 2 bites of cake & 6 apple slices
Lunch: sweet tea, chips, hamburger/bun
Snack: maple nut goodies
Dinner: Coke Icee

I love burgers on the grill & really wanted another, but I held back. I also held back on having cheese on it. And I don't put anything except ketchup on it, so that helps a bit too I suppose. I also stayed away from the cookies & more tea & any soda. Overall, I think I did fine because the scale went down & not up or even stuck at the same.

Today I did 3 miles (elliptical) already. Woulda done more, but hot damn! Literally, it is sooooo warm! I don't want to have a heat stroke or anything. I will do more in a bit when I get back from errands.

Goals for this week---
at least 3 miles on elliptical/day, with 1 day off @ most
900-1100 cal range
the only weight goal I have is to go down, lol (don't set those weekly, hard to since ya don't know what the body will do since unfortunately we can't make it do exactly what we want)

Oh, Google must love me again because I tried to sign in without a proxy page, just straight shootin it & it let me! I hadn't tried over the weekend since I was gone a lot & I figure it hated me. Maybe it was punishing me in advance for Saturday's indulgence. ;)

Sunday, May 23, 2010


Friday went well. 2 sessions on the elliptical, 5+3=8 miles. I ate a little under 1000 cals, so I didn't hit my range (1000-1200), but that's okay, I barely missed it. I was craving a s'more that night, which I thought would be a lot more cals than it was. It is about 200 cals. The big killer is of course the chocolate.
**1 whole Graham cracker 12.5/70
**1 marshmellow 0/22.5
**1/2 chocolate bar 55/105
*** 67.5 cals from fat/197.5 cals

Yesterday afternoon I had a small casual wedding to go to, & I gave myself a free day. The only rules were, I couldn't eat after 10p & I couldn't stuff myself. I did alright, except I drank orange juice after 10p. I had gained weight this morning, which sucks, but I'm sure that's partially because yesterday is still sitting inside me.

I got sent home with a bunch of stuff, but luckily nothing too bad other than cake. I got grapes, apples slices, orange juice, & ham sandwiches (which are little, because they are pretty much dinner rolls with a bit of ham on them).

I ran 5 miles in the morning yesterday. I got off after 3 to take a short break (usually about 30 seconds or so) to stretch my back really quick & water down my throat. I ended up having to extend the break a couple minutes because I felt like I was going to throw up. I'm not sure if it was because it was earlier in the day than usual & I was sleep deprived or what. I had eaten an english muffin shortly before, but that's usually about all I've had to eat before I work out in the morning or afternoon. I took the last 2 miles easy & was fine when I was all done.

I had some more leftover cake & apple slices for breakfast. I don't feel too bad about the cake because it was literally like 2 bites.

I've found it's better to try to act on strong cravings (such as the s'more Friday & cake today) than to let them grow into a binge.

Well, I'm off, I think to do some time on the elliptical. Hope everyone is doing better than I have this weekend, lol, & having fun!

Thursday, May 20, 2010


I just got done watching the Grey's Anatomy season finale & wow. I won't give anything away, just in case someone who reads this watches it & hasn't seen it yet, but I thought it was great. Shonda promised a great finale & delivered. It was a very anxious 2 hours for me!

I am so glad I did 5 miles on my elliptical just before I watched, lol. I was gonna wait & do some while I watched, as well as do some other stuff around the house, but I just saw here, watching (other than commercial breaks when I would get up to grab something or whatever). I also did 3 miles this afternoon, so that's great. 8 miles for the day. I usually shoot for 2 each time, sometimes 3. But lately, I set a 2 mile goal & then decide to keep going, which is great. Plus I walked (casually) outside for 1.5 miles. I wanted to do a dvd workout but oh well. I could have when I did the 5 miles on the elliptical, but I chose that instead.

I haven't totaled up my calories for the day, but I am pretty sure I am safely in my 1000-1200 goal range. I ate baby carrots when I started watching Grey's/post-workout to help get my tally up a little (not that 35 cals are gonna boost it much, but it should make it close & unlikely to go over). If I didn't hit 1000, I am pretty sure I got fairly close, so that's fine.

I feel like I could just type & type! It's leftover excitement from Grey's, lol. Kinda crazy to be like that about a show, but I know I am not the only one, from what I've seen from others online.

I didn't feel too much temptation today, but I did eat a rice krispie treat. But it helped boost my cal tally, so that was good, & without being as awful as something chocolaty or something.

I'm almost tempted to go hop on the elliptical some more, but I am all clean from the shower after the last time I was on it & I don't want to get my body going this late at night (though other times I don't care). I wish I could go to bed shortly, but I doubt that will happen.

Okay, I am rambling slightly & if I don't stop now, I might go on for a much longer effin time! Hope everyone's having a great week and/or has an exciting weekend ahead!

What the Google

I am so not thrilled with a situation I am apparently having with Google. I don't know exactly what the deal is, but I can only log into Google (& any related service, like Blogger, Youtube, Gmail) if I use a proxy site. If I just try to go directly, I can't go to the sign in page. I tried in 3 different browsers today. I haven't had any issues with any other site. What a pain in the ass!!! I tried deleting cookies, etc & a couple other things but to no avail. I am actually typing this entry from a widget thingy in Sidebar so I super hope it works.

I did well exercise wise. I had wanted to do a dvd & some elliptical, but I only ended up doing the elliptical. However, I don't feel too bad because I did 3 miles in the afternoon & 5 more tonight. I usually try to get 2-3/day.

Food wise was okay, could have been better but could have been much worse. Stayed under 1200 cals, which is the unofficial daily goal for this week.

Went to the grocery store today to pick up a few things. Oh what fun that always is. So many temptations! It sometimes feels like a sex addict going into a brothel. But it wasn't too bad for me. I bought some good(ish) stuff like yogurt, baby carrots, bananas, pretzels, & english muffins. I bought bread sticks, which isn't so great, but not as terrible as say... a huge chocolate cake like the one that fat boy had to eat in Matilda. Oh, I did buy chocolate cake though, but it was a Little Debbie zebra cake individual one & it wasn't for me, so it doesn't count.

So that's about it for now, hope everyone's doing fantabulous & hopefully I can figure out what the eff is going on with this Google sitch.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Damn Donuts

I did well.... most of the day, at least.

Late breakfast: just a packet of oatmeal
Lunch: small glass of lemonade
Dinner: pancakes
Evening snack: mini chocolate donuts & icee

I had a craving for those stupid donuts (Little Debbie Frosted Donuts). I could have tried harder to ignore it, but I know that sometimes when I do that, it only gets strong & worse things happen (like a binge or just general downfall of 'dieting'). There are 430 calories in those tiny things. And after I had eaten 2 of the 6, I started thinking about purging them. I didn't decide until I was done that I would do just that.

Unlike the last time, I was only slightly disappointed (about what I are & that I purged). I was more glad to get most of it back out. I didn't get headache feelings or anything. Just watery eyes.

I did level one of Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred. I kinda sucked at it though, lol, had to take a few few-second long breaks in there. Mostly because of my arms. I have like no upper body strength. I also did 2 miles on my elliptical. I wish I would have done more, but I was tired today. Not that it's unusual for me to be tired, that's nearly a daily thing. I didn't slept well last night. I remember waking up a lot, but at least it was only for a minute or so each time. Again, normal for me to have sleep issues.

Thankfully I am doing well at not eating tonight. Many times that is hard for me, when I get bored & am watching tv/movies. I had the donuts just after 8p, & haven't been tempted (well, at least tempted enough) to eat anything else. Hoping that lasts!

I also got a Twitter & added it over to the side of this blog. So far I am following no one & don't have any followers, so feel free to follow me & let me know about yours or anyone else I should check out. (Same goes for blogs.) I also got a new background for my blog.

I'm tired, but not enough to sleep. Typical. I'm bored. Think I'll go read some blogs for a bit.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Bloggity Oreo Carb

So I've only had this for a few days & I'm much enjoying it already. Although I feel I've really only done one good post that had any depth to it. I've also liked finding blogs to follow & read & occasionally comment on. I am hoping that I will get more followers/readers somehow & therefore, most comments. It is such a joy to log on & see that someone has left me a lil diddy.

Well, this weekend was supposed to be a final hoorah with food for a while. Or at least indulgence in food. Without overdoing it. Today I had Oreos (which thankfully are almost gone so there won't be lots left to tempt me later) & Sunny D for breakfast/lunch (it really was brunch). By dinner time I felt all funny, kinda jittery but sort of almost nauseous too. I think it was partly that I had only put sugary substances in my body & because I had taken headache medicine shortly before that had caffeine in it. Once I had my dinner chock full of carbs, I felt more 'normal'.

Dinner really was kind of a carb fest. Breadsticks & rotini alfredo with chicken. Then a couple hours later, at the ice cream shop I had a cherry freeze (which is cherry slushie with soft serve ice cream blended together). I'll prolly have a few more Oreos tonight, mainly to get rid of them.

Oh I can't wait to begin restricting tomorrow though! I must sound like a horrible eater with today's intake but like I said, it's one last tango for a while. I don't have any set limits right now other than to keep cals low & keep out junky eating. And I am hoping to get in some good exercising tomorrow as well, though I haven't decided what I want to do (I have some dvds & then of course, things you can just do) other than the elliptical (which is appropriately in my kitchen, where there is room for it, mainly because there isn't a table in there, lol). I usually try to weigh in on Monday mornings, which I'm not much looking forward too. Hopefully I will a week from now because I had a good week this week.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Favorite Present

My favorite birthday present was one I technically gave myself, eight years ago.

On my 20th birthday, I managed to make myself throw up on my own, simply using my own fingers. It was amazing, as sick as that may seem to some. I had just eaten the dinner my grandma made for my birthday (my requests): goulash & peach cobbler. Yum. But unfortunately not calorie free.

2 or 3 times in high school I binged & purged using ipecac syrup (more about that another time perhaps). But I didn't want to use that method frequently because of how bad it is for you (especially the heart issues). And apparently, it's not as readily available as it used to be.

I had tried many times to gag myself into being able to do it on my own, using my fingers or a toothbrush, but hadn't been able to quite do it. Until the day I turned 20.

For the following week, I continued this. I'd eat (not even excessive amounts, just 'regular' meals, etc). Then I'd throw up as much of it as I could. I lived with my grandma & cousin at the time. I visited school friends a couple days that week. I didn't really hide it from anyone too much. I mean, I didn't come out & say what I was doing obviously. But I didn't hide the fact that I was 'getting sick'. I don't think anyone knew exactly how often it was & no one knew why. My mom & grandma thought perhaps I had an ulcer or something.

I've done it since there, mostly just here & there. Sometimes planning it, sometimes spontaneously. The last time was actually just last week. I can't even remember the last time it was before then. Last week I had just eaten a Butterfinger & 1/2 a pack of peanut butter Twix & just suddenly thought I should go purge it. I did try to tell myself not to do it, but I guess I couldn't deny myself enough. Even after I started, I tried to tell myself to stop, but I didn't until I had gotten rid of some of the 'poison' (as I saw it to be) I'd put in my own body & I was beginning to get a headache.

Afterward I felt a little disappointed that I'd allowed that to happen, but at the same time, proud. It's always been a little like that with purging for me. Sometimes more one then the other.

What It's All About

Just thought I would post another quick entry, to kind of summarize what I think this lil ole blog might be about. Obviously not going to cover everything, but just to give an idea.

I imagine I will write a lot about my 'disordered eating' & the thoughts related to them & other relations to that. This sort of stuff is the main reason I started this blog, to have a place to come ramble about that, because I don't talk about it at all anywhere else. I've been to message boards in the past & such, but that's it. I don't walk around in everyday life talking about my thoughts & feelings in relation to food because... well, I guess because most people wouldn't get it & think something was wrong with me (which obviously there is something different in my 'wiring' or whatever when it comes to food & such, but I don't need anyone else telling me that or trying to fix that wiring with their advice & beliefs).

I'm sure I'll bring up other irritations in my life & hopefully some successes/triumphs as well. I'm not confining myself to anything, I'll leave it pretty open, but like I said, I'm sure a lot of my thoughts I don't normally get to speak aloud will make it onto here.

Feel free to comment & let me know if you have a blog or something I should check out!

Friday, May 14, 2010

Helllooo Out There

So, here is my first post in my new blog. yay. I'm sure it will be a short, quick little entry. Just wanted to post a lil somethin-somethin.

I needed a place to talk freely about things that go on through my mind, mainly things related to eating/exercise/health & other random stuff. Don't really feel I can say a lot of stuff in 'the real world'. And I love reading some blogs & figured this way I could comment on those, as well as ramble on my own.

So, yeah, that's it. Boring little post. Hava great day!