Wednesday, May 18, 2011


I am so tired of being mad at myself for having gained like 10 pounds this year & continually not doing anything about it.  I keep saying to myself that I'm going to stop eating so much junk & so often, but I have yet to do so.  I am so irritated with myself.

Yesterday wasn't so bad, though it started out unwell.  I ate breakfast & lunch together at lunchtime.  I had 2 donuts & got a 24oz rootbeer (which lasted me the day & still has some left somehow).  Then late at night I had like 3 glasses of wine, a very small cube of cheese, & a small handful of pretzel m&m's.  Most of my lack of eating during the day was not due to willpower or any kind of effort.  I had a bad day mentally/emotionally.  Some people are stress eaters or eat when they are upset.  I am the opposite usually, which is about the only good thing about being sad or stressed.

Another thing that gets me (it doesn't irritate me or anything, it's just something I think about) is how if I were not so short, the weight I am at now (114.6 lb this morning) would be decent or thin, easily.  But because I am under 5 foot, it's too much.  It is still in the normal range, but I don't like it.  I don't like the way it feels or the way my clothes fit currently.  Being short, I notice weight gain/loss every few pounds usually (especially the gain).

Today I haven't eaten anything yet, but it's just after 11am.  I am working an 8 hour shift this afternoon so at least part of the day I won't be able to eat junk, but hopefully I don't make up for it before or after work.  My goal is not to fast necessarily or even restrict a bunch, just to not eat so much like I have been & eat less crappy foods.

Honestly, if given the choice, I wouldn't choose to lose weight the way I tend to.  I would choose to be more 'normal' about food & like my body/weight more instead.  But I have forgotten what that's like.  Before I hit puberty, I ate candy & stuff ALL the time.  Major sweettooth.  But it never mattered because apparently back then my metabolism was kicking some ass.  My freshman year of high school I ate sweets a lot & went out to eat a lot (we had open campus for lunch then plus I would go out sometimes after school or before sports games) & I weighed 88 pounds!  Granted, I was a few inches shorter then, but still.  I would so so so love to be able to eat like that & weigh that little.

So I guess I will stop rambling now.  I hope you are all having a great week & succeeding in your goals, whatever they may be, from exercise to eating to recovery to life in general.


CE said...

I'm 5'3" and can notice any small amount of weight gain. Sucks!

Mich said...

I feel your pain--I'm just barely 5' 1" (if I stand up very very straight, but you better believe I'm taking that whole inch thanks :D). It sucks how 1 pound on us is like 10 pounds on everyone else.

I'd sell my soul to Satan for my 12-year-old metabolism back. I used to look malnourished until puberty hit, and then I ballooned up to 135 pounds by the time I was 15.

Hope you're having a good week! <3

tracy said...

i well know about crazy eating habits. i don't eat all day...then at night it's an etoh and food feast...DOH! When will i ever learn....?

i am helping my Mom care for my Dad, who is terminally ill, so i am drinking even more (at night) and feel awful about using this"copimg mechaism". Some daughter. i miss Virginia.

So sorry to make this all about me.

i hope youare doing ane feeling better.

Love to you!

Kitty said...

I know what you're going through. I used to be strict, and i gained a ton of weight when I stopped. Now I'm sitting on 15 pounds of extra fat, and it feels so much harder to get rid of. I don't understand how I did it before so easily and now it's such a struggle. But I'm so determined to lose the weight I put on. I'm sooooo motivated, so I'm just trying as hard as I can not to fuck up. Granted, I did yesterday, but it was a one time thing. I'm gonna get back into low calorie eating very soon and continue to lose more weight.

"It doesn't matter how long it takes you, as long as you do not stop."

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