Weicho

I am so tired of being mad at myself for having gained like 10 pounds this year & continually not doing anything about it.  I keep saying to myself that I'm going to stop eating so much junk & so often, but I have yet to do so.  I am so irritated with myself.

Yesterday wasn't so bad, though it started out unwell.  I ate breakfast & lunch together at lunchtime.  I had 2 donuts & got a 24oz rootbeer (which lasted me the day & still has some left somehow).  Then late at night I had like 3 glasses of wine, a very small cube of cheese, & a small handful of pretzel m&m's.  Most of my lack of eating during the day was not due to willpower or any kind of effort.  I had a bad day mentally/emotionally.  Some people are stress eaters or eat when they are upset.  I am the opposite usually, which is about the only good thing about being sad or stressed.

Another thing that gets me (it doesn't irritate me or anything, it's just something I think about) is how if I were not so short, the weight I am at now (114.6 lb this morning) would be decent or thin, easily.  But because I am under 5 foot, it's too much.  It is still in the normal range, but I don't like it.  I don't like the way it feels or the way my clothes fit currently.  Being short, I notice weight gain/loss every few pounds usually (especially the gain).

Today I haven't eaten anything yet, but it's just after 11am.  I am working an 8 hour shift this afternoon so at least part of the day I won't be able to eat junk, but hopefully I don't make up for it before or after work.  My goal is not to fast necessarily or even restrict a bunch, just to not eat so much like I have been & eat less crappy foods.

Honestly, if given the choice, I wouldn't choose to lose weight the way I tend to.  I would choose to be more 'normal' about food & like my body/weight more instead.  But I have forgotten what that's like.  Before I hit puberty, I ate candy & stuff ALL the time.  Major sweettooth.  But it never mattered because apparently back then my metabolism was kicking some ass.  My freshman year of high school I ate sweets a lot & went out to eat a lot (we had open campus for lunch then plus I would go out sometimes after school or before sports games) & I weighed 88 pounds!  Granted, I was a few inches shorter then, but still.  I would so so so love to be able to eat like that & weigh that little.

So I guess I will stop rambling now.  I hope you are all having a great week & succeeding in your goals, whatever they may be, from exercise to eating to recovery to life in general.