Secret

I have a secret to tell you, I've not told anyone at all so far.  I'm thinking of running away from home... for a few days.  Can you even do that at my age?  I don't know, but I have all but certainly decided that I am, tomorrow, after work, not coming home for at least a couple days.  The only real hard part for me is that I wouldn't be taking my son, but I know he'll be fine with his daddy & his paternal family for a couple of days.  I'd just miss him terribly.  I'd prolly go stay with a childhood friend a couple hours away.  I don't know that time away will help or worsen anything.  I just don't want to continue feeling like I am sinking & it sounds like a semi-good idea right now.

Weight-wise, is okay.  I gained a bit from Christmas Eve & Christmas but lost almost half of it yesterday & gained 0.2 back this morning (but it's already gone as I haven't had anything other than chewed a piece of gum).

I don't know how much I will be online if I'm away, at least on Blogger.  But if you want to email me because you need to vent or you get bored or for any other reason, feel free.  That is something I can easily check & keep up with from my phone (as well as check comments left for me here usually or Twitter). You can also try texting me at (989) 372-0146.  Of course, anyone is free to contact me at anytime, when I am around or not.  It helps to have people out there, no matter how far or near they are, & rather we know them well (or in person) or not.  I hope to hear from some of you, but I know it's a busy time of year & everyone has other things to do.  But I am here, if you need or want someone to talk to, anytime.

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas & the year is ending well!  Good luck with setting new resolutions & goals for the New Year! I <3 you all!!!

Masthur

Happy Christmas Eve Eve!  Whew, longish day kind of.  I am on only my third glass of 'wine' (Arbor Mist, blackberry) & I already feel buzzed.  I think it is largely due to the fact that I never slept last night, started my day about 4:30am (work @ 6am today) & only sorta half napped for maybe 20 minutes this afternoon after returning home from shopping for a few last minute small things after work.  I am sipping that wine & listening to 'Despicable Me'.  My son has been watching it, so it is playing.  I took him to see it (& Toy Story 3, as there are always a double feature) at the drive in theater this summer.  Such a cute movie!  I want a minion for Christmas! ;)

After I got done working, which I got out like 40 minutes late because it was so busy!, I just wanted to go home & lay down.  But it was either go shopping today after work when it's crazy or go before or after work tomorrow when it's worse.  So today it was.

I was going to bake some stuff, but I am totally unmotivated & tired to do so.  I did the dishes though, so at least I did something productive.  Oh well, there will be plenty of goodies (somewhat unfortunately, right?) in the next couple days that it won't matter I didn't bring along anything.

I have a Christmas gathering (my son's paternal grandma's family) tomorrow evening (after a nice 8 hour shift at work, which is on the long side compared to most my shifts).  Then I have Christmas morning at home (mostly just my son opening presents) early, followed by Christmas at my son's paternal grandparents, & another Christmas in the evening on my paternal family side.  And I hope to squeeze in at least a stop at my mom's & possibly a friend's in my hometown before or after it.

Weight-wise is okay.  Upset/depression helped.  I have remet my last goal.  I maintained today, but I think that was in part to having to weigh in so early after doing it so late yesterday because of my sleep sched.  I had a darkish moment at work a couple hours in today but I wrote myself a note: "Remember, anything is possible.  Smile, & make every day count."  So corny, but you know what?  Every time I started to feel down, I pulled it out & it helped.

I love the holidays, mostly.  The whole spirit of it, the decorations, family time.  More so now that I have a little one.  I hope you are all having a wonderful time!  I haven't really gotten any comments lately & I don't know if no one has much to respond to to me or I'm boring or everyone is busy.  I apologize if I made any errors in typing this, I am a lil buzzed & while spelling mistakes get underlined, grammatical & sense-making do not.

I love you all so much!  I hope you are doing swell & enjoying the end of the year, the holidays, & not letting any food/weight thoughts ruin it for you, which I know can be hard with the holiday season.  I would be happy just not to gain for the most part over the next couple days.  To meet another goal by year's end would be fabUlOuS!!! but I don't know.  Anyways, I am babbling.  Cheerio!

Foto &Long

I missed Foto Friday.  Again.  I suck, yes it is true.  In my defense, I have been busy with work all weekend & a friend (former roommate actually) from out of town was visiting Wed-Friday.  Weak excuse, I know.  I also don't have many pics to share.  But I thought I would post a couple since I didn't on Friday.  I also have an actual post to post tonight that may get longish.

Shocking! I scored in the likely/high-risk possibility of having an eating disorder.

Circles on the ceiling of McDonald's. No fret, my dears, I had nothing to eat there, just took the lil one to play in the play area.

Orange 'N Creme Swirl Fruitista Freeze from Taco Bell. So incredibly yummy! At 280 calories (only 20 from fat) for a regular (16oz) size, it isn't the most diet-like drink, but better than many of the food items on their menu.

And now, onto the actual post part.  It isn't actually eating related, really.  And if you skip over it, I totally understand as I sometimes have a tendency to babble & rattle on.

I am at a confused point in life.  This is ongoing & feels stronger at times, but is really a constant.  I have no idea what I want to do career-wise (if given total freedom to choose) despite having my Bachelors degree.  I want to go to grad school eventually, but I haven't a clue as to what I want to study specifically.

But that is not what has made the stronger feeling of confusion come on this round.  It is actually more to do with the romantic-related area of life.  As I have mentioned, I am a mommy, a single mommy.  My son's father is very much involved in his life, physically, emotionally, & financially.  We get along well even though we haven't dated in years, we are friends.  There have been times here & there where it fleetingly seemed like possibly we might get back together & work things out, but it never actually went anywhere.  I will admit that part of this (as well as part of my general confusion of life) is that I am not myself, haven't been in years, although I am for moments from time to time.  Years ago, I put up defense mechanisms to protect myself (such as ways to keep people from getting too close or to push them away or expecting pessimistic outcomes to prepare for bad outcomes) & this obviously caused me to lose who I really was because I became very inhibited (not saying or doing things I want to because I over-think it or think it is out of place in some way).

Anyways, despite the fact that we haven't dated in forever & haven't had any recent moments of 'maybe, just maybe', it is still awkward when he dates someone.  I know neither of us would be happy if we were together right now.  I have too much to work out for myself internally & many other factors.  But I still dislike when he is interested in someone else.  He went out on a first date Saturday night & has a second date on Monday night.  It makes me very sad to even think about any of this.  A large part of it is that he is my son's father & I don't hate him.  I think it's natural that I have feelings for him still, I just wish they weren't so strong and/or confusing.  I would be happy if we somehow magically worked things out or if I could just not care when he dates someone else.  Either option is viable, because either is better than this being stuck in between of not knowing what I want.  At least if I knew I wanted to be with him, I could set about working on getting over the fact that it's not going to happen.

But, like so many other areas of life, I haven't a clue what I want.  I confuse myself, a lot in large part to my defense mechanisms (which I don't encourage or suggest as they sometimes end of getting you hurt anyways instead of protecting you & are very hard to reverse).  I over-think & over-analyze everything.  Insomnia doesn't help.  It sometimes is the result of over-thinking & can also be the cause.  I think I could sleep better if I could just focus my brain (ADD anyone?) & have the ability to shut it off.  Ugh.  Stupid adulthood sucks arse & I often miss the simplicity of childhood.

I want to change back to the real me so much, but I haven't a clue how to do so.  I do some little things here & there but nothing that is consistent and/or huge enough to make a difference.  I have gotten glimpses of 'her' & know she is still inside somewhere, waiting to come out.

"Being aware of your crap & actually overcoming your crap are two very different things."

                    ~Cristina Yang, Grey's Anatomy

So very true.  I've long been aware of my crap, but have the hardest time overcoming it, following-through on my attempts to do.

So yeah, there is my long babbling post & a couple pics for visual.  I love you all & am so glad I can come here to vent & such, even though I haven't a clue how much/often I'll get read and/or if I will get any feedback.

Hauswak

Hello.  It is nearly 2am & I don't feel like sleep is coming any time soon.  Only a few hours ago, I was exhausted to the point of not being able to keep my eyes open & being quite out of it.  But I guess spending a couple hours in that half-awake but mostly-asleep state screwed me, but it's not like I could help it.  I just finished watching Zombieland.  I <3 Emma Stone.

I've been eating a lot of crap, but I was losing for a few days there despite that, perhaps with the help of the green tea pills & xenadrine.  Until I ate Chinese (honey chicken & fried rice) Saturday & gained 1.2, which I then maintained this morning.  I suck.  I am not sure how my weigh in in the morning will go, any kind of loss would be great.  Any gain would be unappreciated.

Despite this, I have plans to eat horrible tomorrow.  I am craving onion rings from Arby's.  I wanted them for dinner tonight, but I talked myself into waiting since I had already had some junky-ish type food.  I'm prolly going to eat that before work & then try not to eat much else, other than little somethings so I can take pills without having to worry about feeling nauseous.  Luckily I work 6 hours so that should help, especially since I won't need to take a lunch & therefore have less time to think about it.  And hopefully since I work until 9pm, I can keep myself away from eating much of anything after.  Sometimes I am really good about talking myself out of eating late at night, while other times I am horrible at it.

I've gotten 2 new followers since like yesterday!  That's awesome!  I am always excited to see even one new comment or follower when I get on here.  Seriously, I adore it. :)

Brrr is it cold here.  Bah humbug to that, lol.  I can deal with snow (which I love to have for a white Christmas) & even the cold isn't horrible because I can bundle up &/or stay inside.  The worst part about winter, to me, are the awful road conditions that occur.  The other night was horrible driving home because it had rained & turned to snow  the roads were mushy-slushy & I was worried there might be ice patches.  Last night was better, because they were cleared at least (well the highway which most of my traveling was done on was) but it was super windy & really biting cold.

Believe&&Lose: The type of shows we were talking about had to do with drugs, specifically ones that are now illegal but used to be used for remedies & such.  And feel free to butt in, I enjoy any conversing that occurs here. ;)

I hope you are all doing wonderfully & having a great December!  I hope those of you who are in school are doing well with finals & enjoy your upcoming (or already occurring) break. <3

Foto Friday 24

With it being the holiday season & considering we got the tree up last weekend, I thought I would post a few pics of the Christmas tree for Foto Friday this week (plus the lovely Mich mentioned it, so I thought you all might enjoy some).  We have a fake tree, that had the lights already attached so I don't have to string lights.  I don't have any of the whole tree right now because the one I took got deleted off my camera by accident.

Thanks to Cora, Mich, & Sarah for the nice comments on my last post.  And Tracy, I have seen some shows/docs on tv of that sort, so I may have seen that program, but I can't be sure.

Hope everyone had a fabulous week & a wonderful weekend ahead! <3

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 The tree topper.  It is silver but has some greyish blue beads in it too.  This was before it was on the tree & I darkened the background so you could see it a little better.

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My reindeer.  Actually a small stuffed animal that I sit on the tree.

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Clear glass bulb.  The blue one is plastic I believe.  And one of my little silver bells.

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Glass angel.

Burrent

Jeese, I am doing horribly food/weight wise.  Really.  Gained weight recently.  Almost back up to my last met goal before the one I met most recently. :(  I am resetting my most recently met one because of this & the fact that I've been above it for a while (but mainly it had been less than a pound above until the last few days).

I can't even blame it on the holidays, because it has nothing to do with them.  I haven't been to any holiday parties/events or been around people's (or even my own) baking.  I've just been making horrible decisions about what & how often I eat.  I blame myself, but I'm trying not to be too down on myself, because I know that won't help.  I just need to start making better choices.  I'm still taking generic green tea pills (though I am horrible at remember to take them twice a day & every day) & I also dug out the xenadrine that has been in storage for almost a year (so maybe they are expired because they were already not-new before that) because I was recently reminded by Lund3on about them (pretty sure I got mine at Target too, lol), although I haven't taken any yet (at least not since before they were stored away).

Got my tree up this weekend, yay!  Not much else going on, just taking care of the lil one & working the seasonal part time job, plus some Christmas gift shopping here & there.

I hope everyone else is doing great & feeling motivated! <3

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Mich: I adore being short too, I like to jump up on counters & climbing things.  I did know about cocaine being in Coke back in the day.  It's crazy all the drugs that are illegal now that used to be used as medicine to cure things like headaches, colds, etc.

Believe&&Lose: I'm glad you didn't mind my advice about the ipecac.  Hoping you decided not to use it. ;)

Peridot: I actually don't mind sorting things & that once I get myself around to it (meaning I get lazy & procrastinate like everything else, lol).  I think it might be costly to do your attic though, considering the mileage/travel cost alone, lol. ;)

Foto Friday 23

It's Foto Friday & I am posting pictures, hooray!  I like doing Foto Friday & it's especially nice after missing the last couple weeks.  These pics are all from November.  I changed my template so it is now more wintery/Christmasy.  I hope everyone is having a wonderful December & a happy holiday season! <3

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I played MarioKart on Nintendo 64 a few weeks ago for the first time in at least a year or two.  I got 1st place in my first set, yay!

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Granola on my parfait from McDonald's.

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Christmas tree at Wal-Mart.

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I have to wonder if there is actual coke in there.  That's quite a steep price & a fitting slogan, lol.  Punctuation people! ;)

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Snowman at the bar.