Monday, December 20, 2010

Foto &Long

I missed Foto Friday.  Again.  I suck, yes it is true.  In my defense, I have been busy with work all weekend & a friend (former roommate actually) from out of town was visiting Wed-Friday.  Weak excuse, I know.  I also don't have many pics to share.  But I thought I would post a couple since I didn't on Friday.  I also have an actual post to post tonight that may get longish.

Shocking! I scored in the likely/high-risk possibility of having an eating disorder.

Circles on the ceiling of McDonald's. No fret, my dears, I had nothing to eat there, just took the lil one to play in the play area.

Orange 'N Creme Swirl Fruitista Freeze from Taco Bell. So incredibly yummy! At 280 calories (only 20 from fat) for a regular (16oz) size, it isn't the most diet-like drink, but better than many of the food items on their menu.

And now, onto the actual post part.  It isn't actually eating related, really.  And if you skip over it, I totally understand as I sometimes have a tendency to babble & rattle on.

I am at a confused point in life.  This is ongoing & feels stronger at times, but is really a constant.  I have no idea what I want to do career-wise (if given total freedom to choose) despite having my Bachelors degree.  I want to go to grad school eventually, but I haven't a clue as to what I want to study specifically.

But that is not what has made the stronger feeling of confusion come on this round.  It is actually more to do with the romantic-related area of life.  As I have mentioned, I am a mommy, a single mommy.  My son's father is very much involved in his life, physically, emotionally, & financially.  We get along well even though we haven't dated in years, we are friends.  There have been times here & there where it fleetingly seemed like possibly we might get back together & work things out, but it never actually went anywhere.  I will admit that part of this (as well as part of my general confusion of life) is that I am not myself, haven't been in years, although I am for moments from time to time.  Years ago, I put up defense mechanisms to protect myself (such as ways to keep people from getting too close or to push them away or expecting pessimistic outcomes to prepare for bad outcomes) & this obviously caused me to lose who I really was because I became very inhibited (not saying or doing things I want to because I over-think it or think it is out of place in some way).

Anyways, despite the fact that we haven't dated in forever & haven't had any recent moments of 'maybe, just maybe', it is still awkward when he dates someone.  I know neither of us would be happy if we were together right now.  I have too much to work out for myself internally & many other factors.  But I still dislike when he is interested in someone else.  He went out on a first date Saturday night & has a second date on Monday night.  It makes me very sad to even think about any of this.  A large part of it is that he is my son's father & I don't hate him.  I think it's natural that I have feelings for him still, I just wish they weren't so strong and/or confusing.  I would be happy if we somehow magically worked things out or if I could just not care when he dates someone else.  Either option is viable, because either is better than this being stuck in between of not knowing what I want.  At least if I knew I wanted to be with him, I could set about working on getting over the fact that it's not going to happen.

But, like so many other areas of life, I haven't a clue what I want.  I confuse myself, a lot in large part to my defense mechanisms (which I don't encourage or suggest as they sometimes end of getting you hurt anyways instead of protecting you & are very hard to reverse).  I over-think & over-analyze everything.  Insomnia doesn't help.  It sometimes is the result of over-thinking & can also be the cause.  I think I could sleep better if I could just focus my brain (ADD anyone?) & have the ability to shut it off.  Ugh.  Stupid adulthood sucks arse & I often miss the simplicity of childhood.

I want to change back to the real me so much, but I haven't a clue how to do so.  I do some little things here & there but nothing that is consistent and/or huge enough to make a difference.  I have gotten glimpses of 'her' & know she is still inside somewhere, waiting to come out.

"Being aware of your crap & actually overcoming your crap are two very different things."
                    ~Cristina Yang, Grey's Anatomy

So very true.  I've long been aware of my crap, but have the hardest time overcoming it, following-through on my attempts to do.

So yeah, there is my long babbling post & a couple pics for visual.  I love you all & am so glad I can come here to vent & such, even though I haven't a clue how much/often I'll get read and/or if I will get any feedback.


tracy said...

Wow. i wish i knew what to say. So much emotional "stuff" going on in your life, i don't know how you handle it all, but i do admire you so. You are handling things in such a mature way and keeping you son's best interest at the top of your choices, that's so great. i wish you all the best!

i'd love to take that ED test!

Merry Christmas!

tracy said...

PS Great quote, it totally applies to me!

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