Directional

A warning: this post may be a little sad/depressive.  Kinda in that kind of mood right now.  But I am okay, just sleep deprived & letting my brain wander in the wrong direction of pessimism & self-doubt.

I've been technically unemployed for about 3 years now.  I left my last job when I moved to transfer schools.  I didn't work while I finished up my last 2 years of school (didn't have much time since I was a full time student & a single momma, & it's kinda hard to find/afford day care to do both anyways).  I graduated last spring & have been looking for a job since (field related or not).  I want to go to grad school eventually, but I need a break, I was about sick of school by the time I graduated.  I love school (the learning part), it's the homework & studying that tires me.  Plus I have no idea what I really want to go to grad school for.  I'm not too concerned about taking time off & ending up not going.  I took three years off after high school before I started college (the whole being sick of school thing then, in fact I was skipping a lot my last h.s. semester because I was bored, didn't need any of the classes or credit to graduate anyways).

I can't remember the last time I really knew what I want to do with my life, career wise.  I had lots of ideas when I was little, it changed a lot.  Nurse, teacher, lawyer, professional cheerleader, mother, & a few more I'm prolly forgetting.  Through most of high school I wanted to major in theater & minor in dance.  Strange, considering I have never really ever taken any dance classes & the only theater stuff I had done were a few school plays.  But by senior year, I decided I wanted to major in psychology since it was the only class I had ever taken that I liked enough to be interested in further learning (I never picked a minor really, but since I already had nearly enough sociology credits for it, it was convenient).

I don't think I want to go into counseling of any kind.  I maybe would do social work type stuff, which seems to be the closest to a decision.  Research type stuff wouldn't be bad.

Right now, I would just love to be working, period, even in some basic type job as a cashier at a gas station or something, which has nothing to do with my degree.  Yes, it would be absolutely wonderful to find a job that was related, but it is difficult since many jobs in the field want a Masters or the ones that don't want experience, which I have none of (in that area).

I can't stand being broke all of the time.  It means I don't get to see my friends & family much at all (they mostly live 2 hours away, a few are farther & some are out of state).  I don't get to go out & do much (which is also partially because I don't know anyone around here really).  I also super hate being bored now that I am not in school or working.

And on top of that, I have weight to lose.  Of course.  And I'm slacking on doing much about that lately.  I suck, lol.

Now, despite all this boohoo speak, I know things could be worse.  I know that I am blessed in a lot of other areas & my life isn't all that bad, there are just a few areas that need some work.

I hope you all had a lovely weekend & are all set for the week ahead!  Hope you are all reaching goals & making plans (rather they be to lose or to be healthier or even non-weight related)!  I love you for coming here & reading my babbling, it's so nice to have somewhere to do that.  <3

Foto Friday 12

I don't really have any pictures to share this week, only 1 or 2, so I decided I would save them for another time. Instead, this week, I am going to post some pictures that I 'hearted' over on WeHeartIt.  The last couple nights I have been browsing through pages of pictures over there when I am bored.  So I am just going to randomly pick some of the pictures I marked there.  I take no credit for any of these since I didn't take them myself & I found them on the website.

Old Letter

I recently typed up a few things that I found from years ago.   I thought I would share a bit of it.  This is a letter I apparently wrote to myself.  I'm not sure when it was wrote, but there was a date on one of the other papers with it from 2003, so it might have been around that time.

Do you always want to look the way you do know?  Perhaps you enjoy feeling fat or ugly.  Maybe you like that feeling dragging you down, back towards the days of depression.  And maybe you honestly do want to go back to them.  It is possible you find fun in wondering what it would be like to be happy instead of actually being happy.

Wouldn’t you like to be able to throw on some clothes & not have to change because they make you look or feel fat?

Jealousy is a normal feeling.  But it can’t possibly be much fun to be jealous of anyone who is thinner.  Or to feel that other people are more attractive just because they are thinner.  You may like constantly wondering if people think you are fat.

You don’t want this.  You want to shed the outer you & become anew.  You don’t like how you look, nor how you feel about that.  You don’t want to feel fat or regress to the days of depression.  You hate having to change clothes or not wearing something because of how you feel in them.  You don’t want constant feelings of jealousy or unattractiveness.  You don’t want to be picked on or wonder what others think.

So, with that said, here is some advice: Do something about it!  Change…

Foto Friday 11

[]

I love my followers/readers!

[]

This yogurt was such a pretty red-pink color, but it was hard to get it to photograph well.  Tastes yummy too!  I also really liked the strawberry shortcake flavor, it was my fave of the few I had this past week.

[]

Chicken fried rice.  This box has 2 1cup servings worth (the bowl has one).  Only 190 cals/serving & only 30 are from fat.  I love it & one serving fills me up nicely (without making me feel full-full).

[]

The picture from my Jones Cream Soda.  My fortune inside the cap was "Time is the wisest counselor".

[]

Soup I found in the cupboard while babysitting.  I didn't eat any because I don't like some of the stuff in it, but it only has 50 calories a serving, & 100 total per can.

[]

Apparently you can buy laxatives at the dollar store!  I didn't buy any but it says on the box that these have the same ingredients as Dulcolax.

Bluhorrib

Today went rather badly.  I mentioned breakfast in my last post (bottle of frapp & pretzel m&m's).  I ate lunch as planned (a burger, a small smattering of baked beans, a few baby carrots, & some chips, washed down with rootbeer).  And it might have been alright if I had just stopped there like I shoulda.

But I didn't.  I came home & had an ice cream cone.  Then more pretzel m&m's.  I wanted to stop.  But then decided I craved already-popped popcorn so I went to a gas station & got some (at least it wasn't movie theater popcorn covered w/ that liquid fat-filled (but oh so yummy) butter) & a Jones cream soda.  And I weighed myself a while after that.  Up 2 pounds from this morning.  Then I had a s'more (which wouldn't be awful @ 135 calories, if it weren't in addition to everything else).  I super hope at least some of that comes off or I am going to be all the way back up to the last goal I passed (the last one I didn't have to reset).

I wish I could say I'll do better, but apparently it's not in my system to do so, instead I want to & fail myself & feel guilty & mad at myself.  However, I know it will come back & although I can't tell when, I hope it's soon.  The tentative hope (I say hope instead of plan, because well, it seems as though 'plan' is more likely to set up for disappointment & hope is so, well, hopeful, lol) for tomorrow is to have a bottle of frapp for breakfast again & then water the rest of the day & perhaps some leftover flat Coke Zero if I want.  Food-wise, I am hoping to stick to yogurt, celery, cucumber, & bagged salad (thank goodness I don't have to resist dressing as I don't like the stuff).  All stuff that I already have from shopping a few days ago & should eat anyways so it doesn't go bad.  And I hope to do some sort of exercise as well, as little or as much as I can force out.

I also decided to check out Wintergirls online.  I thought I would read a few pages to see if I would like it & halfway through page 29 I finally made myself stop to come write this & hopefully save some for later.  So I guess that means that I do like, lol.

I love you all & your comments & reading your blogs.  Rather I am having a good day or bad day in regards to my relationship with food/eating/weight/etc I enjoy so much coming to this community (blogger & Twitter) & being a part of it, all of us sharing our ups & downs & being able to relate.  And I can't believe how many followers I have!  I thought it was so awesome when I got my first few followers & then hit 10 & then more & more, it's incredible & I <3 you all so much for following me, reading my posts, & commenting.  It really does mean so much to me that I have a place where I can say anything I want & although a lot of it (in relation to my effed up relationship/mentatlity with eating/weight) is acknowledgedly abnormal (compared to mainstream society), there are people out there who understand so well.

Anyways, that's all for now I suppose before I ramble on more.  Hope you all had a fantastic weekend & have a wonderful week ahead! :) <3

Booluck

So I met my goal on Friday, but I'm not counting it since it didn't stick.  I gained a pound Saturday morning & another this morning. The one I gained Saturday, I have no idea how it was so much, because I didn't eat horrible.  The one this morning I totally aw coming, I ate far too much yesterday. :(  I haven't really exercised at all either, which obviously is hurting me too.

Today I am going to try to drinks lots of water, eat lunch (got invited to lunch to have grilled burgers & if I don't, it would be noticed), & then hopefully be done with calories/food for the day.  I ate breakfast, I had 2/3rds of a bag of pretzel m&m's (100) & I'm working on a bottle of Starbucks vanilla frapp (200).  Hoping the sugar & caffeine will help get me going.  Gonna try to get stuff done around the house to distract myself.  And I have to babysit from about 3-9p.  I'll have to make dinner for the kids (plus my own), but I usually don't have what they have anyways.  When I babysat Friday night, I made them chicken nuggets, zesty fries, & applesauce.  But I had 3 fishsticks & a partial serving of zesty fries (totaled less than 200 actually).

Well that's it for now!  Just gonna try to keep myself distracted & busy & try to keep my attitude about my gains focused on reversing it, instead of getting pissed or sad & ending up adding to it.  So far, so good.

I hope all you lovely people are having a great weekend! <3 <3

Foto Friday 10

Happy Friday the 13th!!!

And now onto the typical Friday... yes, it's Foto Friday! :)

[]

Some stuff on the wall of a bathroom in a little cafe/ice cream place.

[]

Flowers by the sidewalk.

[]

Soapy bubbles!  Earlier this week I soaked my feet in a tub of warm water with bubble bath & foaming bath soak as part of a home pedicure of sorts.

[]

A sign.

[]

Severed hands & feet.  Not in my basement or attic or anything like that, lol.  This was in a store obviously.

I met my goal (for the third & hopefully final time so I can move onto the next) this morning, but it has to stick for a few days before I can count it.  I had Pizza Hut yesterday too & still lost exactly the .4 I needed!  I'm sure it helped that I hadn't eaten a ton else yesterday & I only had 1 breadstick & half of a personal pan pizza (which is like the equivalent of one slice prolly).  I guess things in moderation (especially cravings as I wanted that) helps!  I haven't been on the elliptical at all in the last few days, but I did spent a good portion of yesterday evening walking around stores a bit.

Hope you all are having a great week!  I don't know if anyone is superstitious about it being Friday the 13th, but if so, I hope you have a great day anyways!  I can't believe I've passed 80 followers, you all rock!

Losstorm

A few maintance/whatever type things.  Just wanted to let everyone know I added a few new thinspo pics on that page the other day.  Also, I added a blog list in the right column.  Everyone's blog I follow is on it, but it only shows the last 10 that have been updated.  And thank you all for your encouraging/positive comments!

I met my 24 hour liquid fast (Coke Zero & water ended up being all I had).  I took a 5 minute break after 24 hours to eat a peanut butter graham cracker & a s'more (270 calories).  Then I fasted for another 16 hours until early afternoon today.  Felt weak this morning & into the day even after eating the first time, but got better as the day went on.  Lost 1.6 lb between yesterday morning & this morning.  Not sure if I will have any loss tomorrow (not because I ate a ton today, I didn't, I haven't totaled up my cal count yet but I know it's not horrible).  I think I will likely loss at least a tad, at worst I should maintain.  I shouldn't gain & that is really the only outcome that would upset me.

Speaking of, I was going to break my fast last night with peanut butter crackers because, I didn't want to wake up feeling nauseous & end up puking stomach acid.  But I realized there were no saltines here.  But there are graham crackers so I thought I would try those.  I used one whole cracker (70) & 2/3 of 1 tablespoon of peanut butter (65).  It was so yummy!  It reminds me of the Girl Scout peanut butter sandwich cookies (do si dos, I guess they are called now). :)

Also, while purusing The Chive last night, I came across a post about a girl named Ann that is on America's Next Top Model.  It says she weighs under 100 lbs & she is 6'2"!  Holy tall & small!  Here is a video from the upcoming season featuring her.  Her waist is itty-itty-itty-bitty!  No kidding.  She is from Dallas, Texas.  Cycle 15 premieres September 8th. I don't actually follow/watch ANTM, other than sometimes (like this past weekend) I will watch some of the rerun-marathons they show on television.

I hope you are all doing well & if not, I hope things get better for you soon!  If you need a hug, here <> are a bunch of virtual ones, feel free to take some.  If you wanna vent, you can email me.  Good luck with the rest of the week & the upcoming weekend everyone!

Liz: Thank you for your comment, I think you're awesome too!

Stuck Dot

I'm stuck.  I do decently one day & horrible the next.  If I lose weight, I get it right back.  It pisses me off & I know it's my fault.  Even as I am eating the very food which will hurt me (or rather, than number on the scale), I feel bad about it.  Like last night, I ate 2 servings of strawberry shortcake late at night.  Later than I usually eat & 2!  Why?  Well, the first one I ate because I felt kind of ill.  The 2nd one I ate because it was good & I thought, what the hell, why not?  Might as well since I'm already screwed.  Somehow I only gained .2 but anytime I gain anything lately it pisses me off (more than usual).  I'm just being lazy.  I've been on my elliptical most days, though some days like yesterday I only did 1 mile & others (like the day before that) I did 4 total.

Coke products were on sale at the grocery store.  I was going to buy a Diet Coke & try to do a liquid fast starting later tonight (some time after dinner) until either dinner tomorrow or Wednesday morning.  But I thought I would try Coke Zero.  I don't think I've ever tried it before.  Diet Coke is eh, alright.  I don't drink a lot of diet soda like I've mentioned before because of aspartame & most taste slightly funny.  But I figured the caffeine might do me good, lol, & without the calories.

So here is hoping I get my act together so I can quit being pissed at myself & feeling guilty about what I'm eating.  I hate feeling out of control, especially when it comes to weight/food.  Yes, like many, my weight/food issues are attached to control, I've known this for a very long time.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Kitty: I was a bit of a pyro growing up.  Not as much now, but that's prolly because I can light candles, woodstoves, fires whenever I want now, lol.  Toilet paper catches fire good, I almost caught my bathroom on fire once as a kid.  Plastic forks, I don't know about those though, lol.

Everyone who commented on my Hump Day post about how they feel their body is: It was interesting to see your responses!  It's nice to see some common feelings out there that I share.

Sadhana: I think there are many of us who feel unworthy at times of this wonderful blogging community.  But I don't think it's important to be thin or to be doing well at weight loss/goals, etc in order to fit in here.  I think it's a good place to belong to share our struggles as well & everyone is so supportive rather you are doing great or horrible, that's what makes it such a great place!

Tracy:  I have not heard of "The Fabulous Beekman Boys". Maybe I will have to check that out sometime.

The Crazy Rose & Anaiz: Reese's are one of my fave candies/junk food!  I'm not a huge chocolate person but when I do have chocolate, I prefer it with peanut butter or caramel or something.

About my food pictures: The reason I post pictures of food & such is because I think about it so much!  The whole love-hate relationship, ya know?  It's better to look at the pictures because it is food that I can't actually be tempted to eat since it isn't real.  It really is like food porn, lol.  There are lots of food pictures I see (online, in ads, commercials, etc) that I wouldn't eat in real life (because I am a picky eater & don't like a lot of things) that look so yummy even though I know I wouldn't like it.

Foto Friday 9

[]

The cookies I made last week.  White chocolate chip cranberry oatmeal cookies.  Yum!

[]

The fire I made that I mentioned in an earlier blog.

[]

The s'more I made from the fire, with a Reese's peanut butter cup.  I only used half of one, so it's not as bad as it could be. ;) (Cals: 70 graham cracker, 25 marshmallow, ~55 Reese cup = 150)

[]

Iced cinnamon roll.  This thing was massive!  I have small hands (being short & all) & this would easily be bigger than my hand.  I could prolly put my hands together & it would nearly cover them.  I saw this at the grocery store in the bakery.  No, I did not buy it, lol.  I considered it for a moment but that is just asking for a binge.

[]

The sun setting behind clouds over the lake.

Hope you all had a lovely week & have an exciting weekend ahead!

Good luck with your goals & plans! <3

Hump Day

So, I was wondering what does everyone think of themselves?  Like, do you think you are fat, chubby, obese, average, skinny, thin, thin but not thin enough, or perfect?  Or whatever other adjective you might use to describe your own body.

My BMI falls in the normal range.  I think I am about average with chubby areas, I guess is how I would describe it.  I hate my midsection, legs (especially thighs), & upper arms the most.  My goal weight range (90-95) will put me at the very bottom of the normal range, just above being underweight.  Only time & achievement will tell if that is satisfying for me.  When I was a freshman in high school, I was about 2.5 inches shorter than I am now & weighed about 2 pounds (88) under the lower limit of my goal weight.  I want to be thin with lean toning I guess, if I could choose how my body would appear.

Lately I feel as though I will never get there because I keep effing up.  How I haven't gained back all or most of the weight I've lost this summer, I do not know, but I am not complaining about that.  Just about being stupid & eating crap when I know better.  I got to stop letting that go ahead & eat side of the argument win.

I did do 2 + 3 miles (total of 5) on the elliptical Monday.  Today I did 1 + 2 (total of 3).  Which isn't much but is surely an improvement over the nothing I had been doing.  I've been stuck around 112.2 the last few days.  I dropped slightly yesterday but was right back at it today.  It's not that I have plateaued either, it's just that I've been eating more than I should, want, or need.  Like I said, I am surprised that I haven't gained more.

To end on a positive note, before I go back to surfing Twitter & such & watching 'House' on tv, I hope you all are having a wonderful week & that August is going fantastic for you! <3

Ready Set August

Lilah Lee & Frenzy & anyone else interested: Here is a link for the Sugar Donuts Muffins from my last Foto Friday.  I didn't roll mine in sugar all over like their pic shows, I only did it on top (less messy).

Ugh.  That's what I have to say about my eating/exercise habits the last few days.  As of Sunday morning, I was back up at 112.2 (3lbs up from my recent & year's lowest) & who knows what the next one (come morning) will be.  Hopefully not too much.  Hell, I'd even be happy with maintaining.  I should be lacking on eating & stacking up on exercising, but it's flipped around to where I've been eating too much & not exercising at all.

I did some unserious measurements today, the last time I did was about 3.5 months ago.  I know (despite the recent gain) that I weigh less now than I did then.  And I can usually tell in my midsection when I'm losing weight, but I'm never sure about anywhere else.  According to those measurements, I have lost bits & pieces in other areas (which seems obvious since it'd be unusual to lose in only one area).  I need to do measurements more often so that I am doing them the same way & in the same place each time so that they are more reliable.  Plus so I can see progress somewhere other than the scale.

Last night I started my first outdoor fire!  I wasn't sure if I'd be able to get one going, since I've never tried one outside & some of the wood was wet from rain.  But it only took one match & a bit of newspaper & the wood caught, so yay!  I must admit, I will a bit impressed with myself, lol.

I'm hoping this week will be one of loss (well, I wish that about every week/day/month, etc).  I lost a decent amount in June, but in July I was up & down within a range so that not much really happened.  So August needs to be more like June, I hope.  I need to find a way to be motivated to exercise again, because that was def. missing in July.

Also, if you see my pages that are up above my posts (below my Twitter widget), there is a new one that has a few random Thinspo pics.  If you click it, there is a bit more of an explanation of what I am doing with it.  I am still considering updating my profile pic if I ever get to 100 followers.

Well, I am hoping that I will sleep soon.  I am a bit tired, but not exactly sleeping-tired yet, plus my brain/body is stupid about sleep so sometimes it doesn't even matter is I am.  I hope you all had a wonderful weekend & reach some goals this week/month!