Favorite Present

My favorite birthday present was one I technically gave myself, eight years ago.

On my 20th birthday, I managed to make myself throw up on my own, simply using my own fingers. It was amazing, as sick as that may seem to some. I had just eaten the dinner my grandma made for my birthday (my requests): goulash & peach cobbler. Yum. But unfortunately not calorie free.

2 or 3 times in high school I binged & purged using ipecac syrup (more about that another time perhaps). But I didn't want to use that method frequently because of how bad it is for you (especially the heart issues). And apparently, it's not as readily available as it used to be.

I had tried many times to gag myself into being able to do it on my own, using my fingers or a toothbrush, but hadn't been able to quite do it. Until the day I turned 20.

For the following week, I continued this. I'd eat (not even excessive amounts, just 'regular' meals, etc). Then I'd throw up as much of it as I could. I lived with my grandma & cousin at the time. I visited school friends a couple days that week. I didn't really hide it from anyone too much. I mean, I didn't come out & say what I was doing obviously. But I didn't hide the fact that I was 'getting sick'. I don't think anyone knew exactly how often it was & no one knew why. My mom & grandma thought perhaps I had an ulcer or something.

I've done it since there, mostly just here & there. Sometimes planning it, sometimes spontaneously. The last time was actually just last week. I can't even remember the last time it was before then. Last week I had just eaten a Butterfinger & 1/2 a pack of peanut butter Twix & just suddenly thought I should go purge it. I did try to tell myself not to do it, but I guess I couldn't deny myself enough. Even after I started, I tried to tell myself to stop, but I didn't until I had gotten rid of some of the 'poison' (as I saw it to be) I'd put in my own body & I was beginning to get a headache.

Afterward I felt a little disappointed that I'd allowed that to happen, but at the same time, proud. It's always been a little like that with purging for me. Sometimes more one then the other.